My Thoughts, My Truths, My Journeys

The Possibility Of Us

2012-01-10T04:27:00.000-08:00

Why couldn't I just tell you what I was feeling? I feel so stupid for allowing the silence to become so thick that it nearly choked the life from both of us. I should have told you how much I've been missing you . I should have told you that every few minutes I'd been checking my phone hoping that there would be a text message from you , or something to let me know that you'd been thinking about me too. I hid my feelings like a coward. I hid my feelings because I didn't want you to feel that this distance was too much for me to handle. I didn't want my emotions to cause you to feel pressured.....none of what happened during that akward phone call was my intent. Have I ruined things? Damn these insecurities! Damn them all to Hell!!!

Day One:

2012-01-09T19:06:00.000-08:00

I decided that I should write down my feelings as a way to cope with you not being here. I never could have imagined that I’d be feeling this way so soon. I know that we discussed the complexities and hardships that we would face trying to maintain a long distance relationship…I just never thought the enormity of it all would come crashing down upon me so fast. It was so hard to watch you drive away last night. I tried so hard to stifle my tears, obviously I am not that strong. You warned me that this was only the beginning, and that things would only get harder. I would trade away all my possessions just to feel your arms around me right now. Your sweet kisses, your laughter they have all been reduced- even if only temporarily- to a few text messages and couple of impromptu phone calls. How will I ever get through this? I am truly missing you.

When there's nothing left to say....

2011-08-29T11:48:00.000-07:00

Me:)

2011-04-16T20:35:00.001-07:00

The Tiny Pieces Of My Heart

2011-04-12T00:01:00.000-07:00

The Importance Of Small Things

Sometimes all I need is to be held close and made to feel as if I mattered to someone a small bit.

To feel desired and wanted for who I am and not for what I can give.

Sometimes all I want is to feel the sun upon my skin and not feel the need to keep myself hidden away from the rest of the world.

To be strong…. To not feel weak and scared all of the time.

Sometimes all I need is to be loved, cherished by someone a tiny bit but sadly, truthfully...

I don't get that from anyone... not at all ...

not even a little bit.

©T’jai 2011

I Finally Get It.....

2011-03-15T20:29:00.000-07:00

What A Fool Believes

Strong hands like yours make me desire

The wrought passion of your embrace

And lips mahogany like Gram’s plum wine

I have dreamt of how they'd taste

Deep like waters your eyes they quell

I lie motionless in your stare

And like waves I crest….

For soft caress,

but I'm dismayed to find nothing there.

Bedazzled by such imagery

Of the things I’d hoped you’d be

Now lost adrift in shallowness

I sail on faithfully.

The dream for me so bittersweet

But with time these pains shall pass

And I was truly feeling you My Brother

For much more than your____or your ____

©T’jai 2011

Stage Fright

2011-02-15T08:53:00.000-08:00

I have allowed things from my past to hold me captive for far too long…Today I have decided that its time I freed myself. I just have to do a little editing of the people that I have allowed into my life. I have realized that sometimes people are only meant to play a small role in life’s grand production, do their strutting and fretting then quietly exit the stage. I am so tired of trying to do last minute rewrites, changing my scripted purpose in an effort to keep people around. I am so over that. I’ve had ample amounts of time to reflect this morning…time to strategize my plan. I don’t want to sound dire, but at this point I honestly believe its do or die. I’m anxious to be returning to school spring quarter maybe then I will actually start to feel that I’m making progress instead of dissolving here in this stagnancy. But until then I will go on painting on smiles, shrugging off my sorrows ….I will go on pretending that my heart is calloused, that these toils I endure have not gotten the better of me. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to go back in time, to remember the smell of honeysuckle blooming in spring, to leap and worry not if there’d be earth beneath me. I am mourning the death of my youth.

©T’jai 2011

Over It

2011-02-07T23:42:00.000-08:00

Sounding Off

It’s time to put away the poetry and get real!

It is a little after 1am and I should be in bed…My eyes are heavy, my body is tired but I just can’t seem to fall asleep. I have so much on my mind. I just feel like crying. I hate everything about my life. Maybe if I were more masculine…lighter…more handsome I would not be so invisible…. I’m dying here and nobody seems to notice. Each day my personality …the essence of who I truly am slowly erodes away. What used to be gentle and sweet has become rough and unsavory. I’ve become angry, bitter…calloused. This is what a life lived without love can do to a person. I used to tell myself that tomorrow would be better, but I lost faith in dreams long ago.
I did not choose the cards which I’ve been dealt. I don’t think I would have consciously decided to endure ridicule. Life offers no easy path for men who happen to love other men. Those vain unemotional creatures who are just as lonely as you are…who are just as damaged as you are, but will deny you the warmth of their company, who are more apt to trample over your rotting corpse trying to get at the next hot piece than to caress or give comfort… Angry? Understatement!! I’m way past all of that. I’m fed up.
I want to know who coined the terms Masculine and Feminine…and who decided to label me the latter simply because Id rather write poetry and discuss current events than scratch my genitals in public like some unsociable Neanderthal. It’s not that I attribute these negative things ( farting and the like)to what I assume are traits of the uber masculine …I’m just tired of having it thrown in my face that it’s something which I lack, an essential vitamin that for whatever reason my body just cannot metabolically create on its own.
Well I know one man who is my friend…Jose Cuervo and even though I really do not drink tonight I think I’d rather imbibe a bit of his poison for a while…Lord knows I’ve swallowed enough BS from other men to last a life time.

The Hardest Word....

2011-01-31T00:18:00.000-08:00

The Remote Control

My love a gift given, without conditions, without strings
Along with trust, faithful‘s kinship and all the peace it brings.
I will not relent to misunderstandings
Without first finding knowledge of its cause
Nor conjure up past misgivings
Before I speak… I’ll learn to Pause
I will reflect on all these things…
These rigid rules my heart shall bend
Lest I drive away my spark of hope
And forever wonder what could have been….

©T’jai 2011

Letters...

2011-01-21T21:17:00.000-08:00

A close friend whom I 've known since Kindergarten sent a letter to me on facebook espressing her appreciation for the help I'd given her with a few of her problems. She went on to say that she wanted to treat me out to dinner as a gesture of her appreciation...I wrote my friend this letter in return because I wanted her to know that I expected nothing for doing that which I felt was only right within my heart...Out of respect for her and her privacy I will not repost her letter ...I will only repost my response....

Years ago a shy skinny kid walked into a class room full of strangers. His heart sank as he watced his mother slowly walk away. The other kids shunned him and soon there began to be whispers…Whispers of things they perceived not quite right about this precocious little boy…. Awful things, Ungodly things they said….things that would later manifest and cause ridicule and scars that would haunt and pain this hapless youngster for all the days of his life….But you Christine …you were different. Not once did you ever make me feel unusual….not once did you ever make me feel out of place. These were my earliest teachings of what it meant to have and to be a friend. I say this because I want you to know that it is my honor….No my Duty to adhere to that code erected so long ago. The things I did were the things any friend would do…and for that…no recompense is desired or expected. This is what it means to be a friend….Friend. :)

T'jai

The Pugilist & The Pulpit

2011-01-17T14:48:00.000-08:00

The Gift Of Salvation

Of all things I've learned, this proves to be the greatest....Prayer truly changes things.
I will not put on airs with false pretense of innocence, I am no saint.
I am just as tarnished and as damaged as they may come,
But even I in all my shameful degradation I am a witness of God’s healing radiance.
He truly is a Kind and Forgiving God.
When weary from the toils and tribulations of life
He bestows strength,
When lost and disillusioned
He provides Clarity,
And when distraught and discarded by life and all whom I’ve held dear
He lends his arms
Enveloping me in the warmth of his everlasting love.

©T’jai 2011

Verses

2011-01-13T18:53:00.000-08:00

A Prayer For Timothy

For better or worse you are my elusive dream
An apple which try as I may, I can never quite reach
And though I know that it is only pretense…
A blissful slice of make believe.
I find myself intoxicated by hope,
Enchanted by the mere thought of you ...
I am such the fool.
For better or for worse,
My arms, my air, my heart
All yours.

© T’jai 2011

To Mend a Broken Heart

2011-01-12T21:43:00.000-08:00

Once Again I Rise

I will hold my head up
Refusing to let them see me cry
I will not beg I will not plead
I've learned it’s futile to even try
I will not shed another tear
Over things I'll never be
Holding on to a heart
That is so unworthy of me...

©T’jai 2011

A Second Chance

2011-01-07T14:07:00.000-08:00

The Lion’s Den

All my life I've held on to dreams with hope real love I'd find .
Someone gentle someone true to soothe my troubled mind.
A heart which I could pour into all I've felt inside....
And Arms which I could escape to ...where from my fears I could hide.
All my life I've wanted only the simplicity of his touch...
Never really knowing his sting could hurt so so much
And now here in these ruins I lie ....
Awaiting dreams to start again .
Praying God will lend me strength to try to love again.

©T’jai 2011

For Daniel...Have courage my friend. Real love may be knocking at your door sooner than you think.

Tearful Goodbye.....

2011-01-05T16:19:00.000-08:00

The Setting of the Sun

Sometimes dreams are just that ....dreams. And the butterflies no matter how fleeting they may have
been....in that brief moment they were mine and they were beautiful. A very fragile part of me will always be with you longing, pleading for what it knows it can not have. Our star has diminished, the sun and all its radiance has distanced itself from the graying of our horizon. Our time is upon us and soon like these scattered memories I too must fade.

~ T'jai

Is there Anyone Anywhere....

2010-11-10T19:13:00.000-08:00

Obscure

Sometimes you make me feel as if I’m invisible.
I put aside my troubles and empty my heart of its aches and concerns
Just to have room to house your needs and your fears.
I trip over my own hurts and pains as I rush to soothe and balm your cuts and wounds
All the while my scars lie festering unattended.
Sometimes you make me feel as if I am so invisible.
When I talk you never listen....
When I cry you pretend not to notice.
How many times will you tell me that you do not love me?
How many times will you show me before I allow myself to believe?
Sometimes you make me feel as if I am invisible….

~T’jai©

Broken

2010-09-06T21:58:00.000-07:00

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh ... I want to hold you high and steal your pain away. I keep your photograph. I know it serves me well . I want to hold you high and steal your pain.

~ Evanescence

Two Adams

There is so much that I hold inside that I wish that I could say to you…but whenever I am near you my heart races and It feels as if all words and breath escape me. If only you knew the sting of my tears... this undying need ...this yearning to touch you… to hold you . I stumble in the pool of your eyes and when you speak I cling to each word as if it bares life. All this that I feel I can never utter, I can never reveal. And so I shyly mask my innermost feelings with a nervous nonchalant smile. If I were brave Id loose these butterflies I’ve locked away inside and allow them to flutter freely in the hopes that they’d find a home there in your heart. Enough! , Away with this madness… I am no dreamer. I know that your heart…your heart …your heart will never feel the same. In your world two Adams cannot exist , two Adams cannot kiss, Two Adams will never equal…….bliss

©T’jai

The Isle

I‘ve swam these currents once before

These tides I know so well

And where these waters ferry me

I fear, only time can tell

Tranquil, torrid, tempestuous

At times the route may be

Will I meet my fate on the shores of love,

Or simply sink in misery?

©T’jai

Detox

2010-07-27T18:29:00.000-07:00

Devoid Of

Damning days too long gone by
Wasteful seconds, doleful sighs
Always needful yet out of reach
Dangling lifeless beyond the breach
Youthfulness ate up with old
An emetic for my restless soul
Casting shadows where light should be
Hope rots so deep inside of me.

~T'jai

2010

2010-01-28T15:15:00.000-08:00

And so the butterflies begin.... It's funny how we try not to reveal too much of ourselves in the beginning....We nervously stumble over words all the while wondering if there will be some sort of a connection, a spark. Falling in love is like this amazing rollercoaster ride full of twists and turns...highs and lows.......and me... I'm just happy to be asked along for the ride:)

If Only I Could Learn To Smile:-)

2009-08-02T17:56:00.000-07:00

Rainy Days & Castles Made Of Sand.....

2009-08-01T21:36:00.000-07:00

So many times during my life Ive sought love.

I've gone to great lengths just to find that which I could cling to and call my own.

I've journeyed so far outside of myself only to be left lost , cold and all alone.

I reflect on these tonight as I lie here in bed listening to the rain. I look around my room randomly surveying the assortment of things that I've managed to accumulate during my 37 years and tearfully I realize that it all amounts to nothing. I've spent so much of my life here trapped behind these walls living in fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being ridiculed , fear of wasting away. Time ebbs on , and soon another Birthday will have come and passed. This is not the way I imagined my life would be at 37. My hands roughened and chapped from having to work years before a child really should. My eyes have lost their lustre and become bloodshot with the look of someone who hasn't had a peaceful nights sleep in so so very long and . I hurt , I ache and my Soul....My Soul is very tired

Caressing My Wounded Inner Child

2009-07-24T17:40:00.000-07:00

Too many times in my life I've been bombarded and overwhelmed with one hardship after another. I am so tired of picking myself up and dusting myself off only to be knocked down again. Ive begun to wonder whats it all for?

I ran into an old friend the other day and she asked me why I hardly ever visit Madison, My hometown anymore. I shrugged my shoulders in reply, but what I really wanted to say....what I really need to say was , Why would I visit a place that holds nothing for me but sad memories and pain.

Why would I want to visit a place where kids and adults alike tormented me all during my childhood because I didn't walk or talk the way they felt I should have.

Every time I am there in that town I am reminded of how different I am .

I always get a sense that I do not belong.

What was so abnormal about me?

How many times did I get assaulted with insults?I was called Sissy so much that I had begun to think it was my name. It was no fun being in school walking into a lunch room full of people and always sensing the cold stares and feeling the fingers pointing at you.

How I wish I could forget and the snickers...those awful snickers.

I think I will die with those awful sounds ringing in my ears.

I was alone then as a child as I am now as an adult.

I don't think they realize just how badly they fucked me up on the inside....

Of Butterflies & Bumble Bees

2009-07-21T18:15:00.000-07:00

The Beginning

Inside it feels as if a million butterflies have taken to flight. I am so afraid to blink for fear that I will be awaken and find that it has all been nothing but a dream. Naked of my fears and inhibitions I stand atop Love’s paramount. I leap with the careless abandon that only peace of mind can bring . Though pain and injury are certain, the joy of loving someone is so well worth the risk…and its time that I started living.

Deep Thought

2009-07-18T17:51:00.001-07:00

Our Arguement

2009-07-13T18:48:00.000-07:00

Prarthana

You would think He'd know by now that my heart yearns for his...

But with so many empty miles and angry words between us...

The love has begun to perish,

And in this barren place where rage sparks and tempers now flare

We boldly dodge flames desperately trying to salvage what we can from the ashes.

We have turned our backs against wisdom and are blinded by our hopes to try again.

I wish that I knew what we were doing wrong.

I wish that we could just stop hurting one another.

Why is it that we keep holding on....?

My Love, you know the very scent of me , the ins and outs of me.

My Joys are your Joys.

Your Tears.

My Tears.

To wound me is to wound yourself

This is.....

What love is.......

~T'jai

I Cry To Myself.....

2009-06-22T17:09:00.000-07:00

Eight:Thirteen

The blue skies and reveries which once pacified me have all begun to fade, and alone I stand in the rain trying once again to make sense out of all the ciaos. I wish Venus would relinquish the hold she has over my heart, but no matter how I struggle I cannot free myself from her ascetic grasp. She bewilders my mind with vignettes from the past. I am forever taunted, by Eros’s dissonant whispers of what I know can never be. Why is it so hard for me to just let go and get on with my life? How long will I have to nurse these wounds before they finally heal?

God knows that I have only truly loved one Man, everyone else have all just been immaterial, and the many horrors and hardships I have had to endure trying to fill this vortex he left inside my heart, I can’t even begin to fathom yet alone express in mere words. I’ve learned much to my dismay that though the tears shed over him no longer fall where eyes can see….I will forever weep a little on the inside.

~T'jai

A Healing For My Soul

2009-05-10T13:38:00.000-07:00

Renewal

The candles are lit and the mellow tones of Roberta Flack drift throughout my apartment ...
I close my eyes and gone are the troubles and stresses of my day.
The heaving upon my heart is lightened and my mind is both calm and clear.
I am embracing peace,
But I know that soon this reverie will have to end .
I will awaken to find my problems anxiously awaiting me...
But for now my cares are quited and I am just enjoying the dance.

~ T'jai

No Words....

2009-04-26T11:26:00.000-07:00

Searching

This took me time to realize....
That for love you must look without your eyes.
Or you'll miss the things you can not see
like candor, care...personality.
For looks change like seasons, and they soon fade.
What once was hot can cool like shade.
So this time around, for this new start...
I've learn to look , but with my heart.

~ T'jai

Why Does Love Have To Hurt

2009-04-19T20:01:00.000-07:00

My marriage to Michael means the world to me, however I’m not so convinced that he feels the same. In a world where the value of commitment is rapidly eroding I sometimes question the sanity of my even wanting to be in a relationship, and though I find the statistics less than hopeful I know in my heart that I would not feel fulfilled in any other type of situation other than one that is monogamous. Michael and I have already been besieged by an array of catastrophic things and yet we have somehow managed to survive. This of course saddens me because I have begun to wonder if it is merely enough just to survive. Perhaps I am disillusioned in thinking that I’d find some euphoric bliss stashed away in Michael’s warm embrace…all I know is that I love him , all I know is that when he is away my heart yearns for him, and for now that pales the disappointments ,and the abuse.
　

The Heart’s Lament

Love echoes in my heart but I’m not sure where to turn
cause every heart I cling to , I wind up being burned.
so when I lay in bed at night and there is no one there
I close my eyes and make-believe pretending not to care.
~ T’jai

Nothing But Words....

2009-02-06T19:26:00.000-08:00

There have been moments in my life when I felt as if nothing could touch me....but now it seems as if I am so fragile, falling to pieces at the least little thing . I can't help but wonder how it is that I became so vulnerable. My life has been one hell of a roller coaster ride with its ups and downs , twists and turns and now I just feel so lost and so empty. I don't like feeling this way ...I don't want to become jaded and I hate being so cynical, but Its hard picking up the pieces when life finds joy in trampling you beneath its cloven hooves. I've promised myself that tomorrow....Tomorrow will be a new start... but I've said that so many times that I don't even bother to listen anymore. I've taken so many gambles just to be happy but sadly all I've ever won was a one way ticket to loserville... No more words...its time for action!!!!!!!!!!!

Far Too Many Tears....

2008-11-29T20:08:00.000-08:00

Outside the rain dances upon my window...I pull back the curtains and peer out into the street ...I stand here in silence watching the cars pass by....My life has become somewhat routine...if I am not at work ...I am at home...
I try so hard to make friends at my job....I go to great lengths to be flamboyantly funny...but no one really knows of the hurts and the tears that linger beneath my smile...They do not realize that while I am at work I am someone else...they never really see the real me...
the quiet me...the shy me. They have no idea of the many nights I have driven home in tears...
I just really need to be held.

The Soul

2008-11-17T08:38:00.000-08:00

An Undying Spirit

Time unravels before me…and I stand motionless trying to figure my next step.
I feel as if I have been trapped here …forgotten.
Outside the world continues turning, but with me ...the voices , and the faces, they have all begun to diminish in the distance. It is as if no one else exists.
Even my tears have abandoned me….
This is what loneliness feels like.
This is me.
I have tried so hard to rid myself of the woeful things life has heaped upon me.
But I carry them …this is my plight, this is my poison.
And though they haunt me…these images, these thoughts...
My spirit is strong and it is free.

~T'jai

A New Horizon

2008-11-14T15:12:00.000-08:00

The past few weeks have been wonderful...I have tapped into strengths I never even knew that I posessed. My whole outlook on life has changed so drastically. I have come to terms with a failed relationship... and amazingly I'm doing just fine. I realize that there is so much more to life and that I should not allow my lonliness to get the better of me...all in all Im doing fine:-)

To the new friends that I have made, and the old ones that have resurfaced...Michelle, Carrie, Jay, Ann, April, Alice, Russell, Phillip, Tyler, Shashank, Piotr, Michael E... and yes even you Crystal...lol:-)
You guys re the greatest.

And to Shank in particular....Come summer 09 I'm gonna be Fierce!!!!!!

The Cause & The Cure

2008-10-18T22:38:00.000-07:00

Panacea

I’ve tried so many times to fill the emptiness inside my heart.. But the loneliness and the darkness they always seem to consume me. For the past few days I have thought of nothing else except an end …an end to my unhappiness, an end to the constant pain and fear with which I coexist. I am so tired of living this life…this bad dream which I just cant seem to wake from. All I want to do is close my eyes and sink far below the surface to be as a puppet dangling from a string ….lifeless.
I do not believe in love anymore.
Nor do I believe in hope.
My relief lies on the counter vexing me…and I am so tempted .
God I wish I had the strength…to put it to my lips
To taste its bitter freedom
The peace it is offering is so intoxicating.
The joy of numbness
The joy of endless sleep…
But I am a coward…I am afraid.
Life truly is finite……………………

The Winds Of Change

2008-10-08T12:11:00.000-07:00

The morning breeze saunters by carrying along with it the faint scent of burning wood from nearby fireplaces. October and all ready the chill has begun to settle in . In my heart I should be rejoicing , after all Autumn is my favorite time of year. The leaves have taken on a chameleon like effect and begun cascading to the ground in an array of deep yellow and reddish brown tones. All alone upon my balcony I sip at my tea…I am trying my best to be distracted by the beauty of nature and the sounds which surrounds me, but it is of no use. My thoughts can not be stirred. My mind is on Guru. I wonder where he is and what he might be doing….Knowing him he is likely to be at home having a shot of whiskey whilst trying to relax from a grueling day of work and college. How I wish with all my heart that he were here.

So much has transpired during the course of our relationship, and I feel that it has brought us closer and made us much more stronger. Its been so hard living with this distance between us. Our conversations have grown sparse, as we both now have increased responsibilities. With him working full time and attending College and me etching a life here for myself, we hardly have the time to just talk as we used to. How I miss those days . I know that there are many couples who face the same trials as my Sagi and I endure. It is not easy to be a same sex couple yet alone a bi national one separated by miles after miles of land and water.
There are so many times when the distance becomes so great that the only way to pacify myself is to release the tension through my tears. I try so hard to be strong for Guru and I , but I fear that in that aspect I am nothing more than a complete failure….and today isn’t any different.
I long for what most couples take for granted…..To sit and share a simple meal with the man that I love, To be able to look him in the eyes and hold his hands while talking with him, To lie contentedly in his arms at night and rest with the peace of mind that only the sweetness of being as one can bring. These are the things that my heart cries out for.

I’ve wished a million times that things were different. I wished he ( Guru) and I didn’t have such a hard battle before us. I wish that we could just enjoy the love and the warmth that we have between us without being plagued by worry and fear . Loving someone should just be easy….But then again nothing worth having ever really is . He and I are two men from two different cultures, On two different continents fighting just for the right to love one another. This is our story …and though the colors of fall are so vibrant , the world in contrast seems so dismally dark. Were it not for the fact that we are a same sexed couple we’d be enjoying our lives together right now…but as it is we suffer….depending on computers, telephones and technology to convey our feelings and to portray our emotions.

October is here and with it comes the whisper of a new administration. My hopes of a future with the man I love rests firmly in the hands of politicians. I realize this and I’m vulnerable. How can this be that anyone has the right to dictate someone else’s happiness…to crush someone else’s dream? Will Obama be the answer? That is the question to which I have no answer….all I can do is pray…wait …and watch.
It is in him ( Obama) that I have placed my hope along with the support of my vote. A Hope for Equality…A Vote for change.

The passage of the UAFA remains a candle burning in my heart…and this November I along with others are going to make sure our light gets a chance to shine!
I love you Sagi,
Your Leo

Breathe

2008-09-28T19:56:00.000-07:00

I am glad that I am finally able to open up and talk about some of the things that have troubled me through the years. This blog has been very therapeutic for me. It has allowed me to speak candidly about some very shameful and dark things from my past. I have shared many things …from my molestation, and arrest …even my first kiss. I have started a new chapter in my life …one in which I’ve shed some of the baggage that had been weighing me down. I have found love and happiness from the most wonderful guy. God knows He and I have had our share of ups and downs, but miraculously we have survived. I ‘ve drawn so much strength and courage from him…which has ultimately empowered me to exercise a few of my demons. I thank you so much for that Guru. Thank you for standing beside me in my moments of madness:-) Thank you for never losing faith in me….
Because of you …I’ve finally exhaled…

I love you Old Man,
Your Old Boy,
T’jai

Forgiveness

2008-09-28T19:28:00.000-07:00

For all of my life I have been running……Running away from rejection, running away from ridicule and hostile faces….running away from my past. I have grown so tired of always taking flight. I’ve tried so many times to blacken my mind as if I could somehow make the years of grief and turmoil all disappear, but try as I may the images and the hurt they both have remained with me. I cant help but to think of the horrors that I had to endure as a child. Of the times as I watched helplessly as my mother was beaten time and time again by my grandmother, and her own sisters and brothers. Such a terrible thing for a child to have to witness. I can still see the blood spilling from the wounds that they inflicted upon her. This is something that I will never be able to erase from my mind. I’m not sure how my mom was able to put this behind her …all I know is that this trauma left me with scars…some of which I do not think will ever heal. To this day I have not forgiven my Grandmother, Uncles or Aunts …and I will die with disdain in my heart for what they did to my Mother.

I was only 6, but I remember, and the nightmares haunted me for years …even now if I close my eyes I can see my Uncles holding my Mother down on the sofa as my Grandmother slapped, choked , and punched her. I watched all of this silently from the living room door….tears streaming down my face begging , pleading with them to stop. I felt so helpless…and I wondered why God was allowing things like this to happen. I remember that I was holding onto my light blue Scooby Doo record player. I gripped the handle tightly as if it were a shield protecting me against their vicious onslaughts. I remember one of my Aunts yelling at me because they thought I was attempting to hit my Grandmother with it….I remember being knocked to the floor panting for air…and seeing my Grandmother welding my record player by its cord hitting my mother over and over until it shattered into pieces rendering my mother unconscious.

Thirty years ago this happened, and yet the tears still stings my eyes….Why didn’t anyone help us?
My dad abandoned my Mom, Sister , little brother and I to rot in that hell in which we lived…..We slept in a small cramped room no bigger than a normal sized bathroom….we looked as if we were homeless because we were so poor….My God we were only skin and bones…Not because there wasn’t much food…My Grandmother had 5 freezers fully stocked, but she had them padlocked and forbade my mother to enter then so that she could feed us…and so we lived off of their scraps. As sorrowful as this sounds it is the complete and utter truth.

I am not certain of how all of this have affected the lives of my siblings….What I do know is that it has had a profound effect upon me….Maybe they have forgotten ….they were all so young ….I was older and very precocious and very much in tuned to what was going on. No child should ever have to hear their mother crying like that…No child should have to be scared or ashamed to admit that the are hungry. How could My Grandmother live with herself. I wonder sometimes if her conscious bothers her…if she is being whipped by her guilt. Her house was always filled with visitors…How could no one notice our scars? How could no one notice how hungry we were? Did they just not care? We were invisible….

It was then that I learned how valuable it was to be invisible….and so I found a hiding place ….a place that I could go to inside my mind. A secret place that no one knew of except for me… and I went there often. I imagined that I lived inside of a light post. A place where there was never any darkness, where evil things did not exist…somewhere high above the mess and ciaos of my 6 year old life. I went there whenever I felt threatened . Whenever I were being beaten, or starving , or having to watch my mother cry …Id close my eyes and Id go there…and the pain and fear would all fade away….this was not happening to me…because mentally I was not there….I lived there in my head for so long that time eventually passed by…..some thirty odd years….and I felt it time to come forth and tell my story….This is me…

Taking A Stand

2008-09-28T14:40:00.000-07:00

The Laughter, And The Rain....

2008-09-20T09:40:00.000-07:00

I can make it through the rain .
I can stand up once again....
on my own and I know that I'm strong enough to mend
and everytime I feel afraid I'll hold tighter to my faith
and I'll live one more day , and I'll make it through the rain.

~ Mariah Carey , " Through The Rain "

Something has changed inside of me. …and its affected the way that I talk , the way that I walk , and the way that I think. It began a few weeks ago when I , at the persistent urgings of a few close friends, finally decided that it was time for me to seek some help. I knew that something was really wrong when I had started closing myself off from the rest of the world … I couldn't sleep, or eat …and the smallest thing would invoke a fountain of tears. The things that used to make me happy had lost their appeal…Days would pass by and I’d still be lying in my bed under the covers …hidden away so that I would not have to deal with anyone or anything. Phone calls would go unanswered, I wouldn't go to work …I wouldn't bathe ….basically I had just shut down…..
You see…
Depression not only hurts mentally but also physically…My body ached all over . It would hurt to even move. And the voices , those horrible voices in my head which rambled on and on …they had almost convinced me that ending my life was the only answer…I was so confused.
And then just when I had almost succumbed, into my life walks Anne, My Therapist.
I’m not sure what all came out that first visit.. It was as if she had open this box that I had locked away down deep inside of me and amid tears all these things just came pouring out. I know now that what I was experiencing was a severe bout of depression . A depression which had forced me into a lonely state of isolation. With Anne’s help I have slowly begun to shed some of my baggage. The headaches are subsiding, the nightmares are going away, and I’ve started to come out of my shell a little.
I’ve stopped holding on to things that are not meant for me. I’ve stopped trying to be everyone’s savior.
This time its all about me….Timothy. When I look into the mirror the image is no longer skewed…I see this handsome slim 6ft attractive young man staring back at me. A man whose future is a bright as the sparkles dancing in his beautiful brown eyes…. Then I relax and I allow myself to smile….

I realize now that all of the hardships I endured…they were all to make me stronger. All of the storms and rain that plagued my life were meant to water me so that I could grow and thrive. Life has once more become precious and I intend to live each and every moment of it. Carpe Diem has become my mantra.
I’m back, I’m confident…..and this time wither it be in love or in life …I am going to win.

A Moment Of Silence

2008-09-15T14:01:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend, Guru, lost a close friend of his yesterday...
and even though I didn't know him personally I could not help but feel sorrowful....
I know that this is affecting Guru much more than I'll ever know... losing a friend is hard and my heart really goes out to him. After reading a letter that Guru had sent to me sharing the joys of his friendship with Sai...I felt like doing something to honor him...I know its not much but I wanted to somehow pay his friend a small tribute.... so I wrote a short poem in dedication and tonight during my vigil of silence...I will light a candle in remembrance...

Here's to the life and legacy of Sai.

For Sai

Memories like clasps of thunder begin to storm my mind,
And my tears they rain in sorrow for the joys we left behind.
May your spirit soar forever ,
May your song never end..
May you rest in peace beloved one,
Till we meet again dear friend...

~T'jai

My sympathies to his friends , family , and loved ones....may God send you comfort in your time of bereavement.

The Comfort Of A Friend

2008-09-13T08:06:00.000-07:00

I spent the better half of the morning consoling a friend.
He had come home from work early this morning and caught his boyfriend in bed with his best friend. I didn't know what to think , because for so long I held that if any relationship could make it theirs would. 3:30 am and I'm on the phone trying to be a friend....I'm not even sure why he decided to call me...I'm no expert at love , what with my failed marriage and a string of dysfunctional relationships, but he did and brokenheartedly I listened.
The song he sang sounded so familiar I could hum the melody...and sadly I knew all the words. Its a hard pill to swallow discovering that someone you've devoted yourself to has betrayed your trust. There are no words to console...the only thing I could offer was the warm comforting embrace of a friend and so I drove over to his place.... I didn't want him to be alone. It killed me to see him so distraught. And I nearly lost it when he kept looking up asking god why.... Sometimes I don't think people are aware of the hurt that they cause.....they go about living their lives ignorant of the tiny ripples ...the ripples of their actions....unaware of how the things that they do affect those around them. In that moment I wanted to be angry at my friend's lover, but all I could feel for him was this deep and complete sorrow..... I say sorrow, because his selfish action had probably just cost him the love of someone so gentle and so special. I wanted to tell my friend that I'd been on this very stage before....same script only in my case a different cast....The cheating boyfriend and the back stabbing cousin...but those scars have long ago healed and best left alone....and this morning is not bout me...Its about my friend, so I did as any close friend would do...I listened.

God why does love have to hurt?........

The Haunted

2008-09-11T21:58:00.000-07:00

Its 1am. I should be resting but no matter how hard I try sleep evades me. I've been pushing myself all week in this mad attempt towards become a social butterfly,but I've grown so tired of smoke filled bars, and drunk men with their hungry eyes...this is not the life for me. I'd much rather stay home put on some jazz and sip( not drink...seriously it only takes a drop) my way into oblivion. but Tonight not even the bliss of intoxication can alleviate my mind from its haunting...I'd been going through boxes of clothes , gathering things to take to the local good will... when I happened upon a small black box that I had not seen in some years. It was there hidden in the pocket of one of my old winter jackets..laid there some odd years ago...untouched. For some strange reason I had this ominous feeling building inside me. And although I knew this box would be best left unopened ...I tossed caution to the wind and opened it anyway.....who would have known that something as small as a diamond wedding band could be the source of so much unhappiness. First came the tears And then the memories ....so vividly they came as if someone was playing my life story right before my eyes. I could hear Parrish's voice...I could see his face...things I thought I had banished from my conscious mind long ago... My ring.....I can't believe that I thought it could somehow save us...somehow give our failed relationship some worth. I was so naively happy back then... It took us two months of combined income to pay for those things...I'm not sure why I kept it...I'm sure he either pawned his or tossed it away...Maybe one day I will do the same...but for now I will just put it away and pour myself a drink...and force these thoughts out of my head.....and drift back into my world where lonliness no longer exists.

Tonight I will light a candle for the one that I love, in the hopes that he will see its light from out there in the distant darkness ....shining across oceans , shining across seas, and find his way home back to me.

The Ending....

2008-09-03T06:50:00.000-07:00

The morning sky is so beautiful , the purples, reds, and blues all blending their hues harmoniously.
This is the peace which I’ve sought…and I’m not sure why I voyaged so far outside of myself to find it.
My heart hurts something awful , and though my eyes are swelling over with tears …my mind longs to be at ease. I no longer want to worry about the lack of communication, the frequent disappearances, or the all out absence of care and concern. I am the captain of my own ship , and today I just want to set sail for that distant shore.

I ‘m so tired of tears . I am so tired of bleeding from these wounds life and love have inflicted upon me.
If I were brave enough I would cut my wrists and drain this poisonous stench that flows through my veins.
I am so tired of fighting. I 've given so much that there is nothing left …No dust no ashes…Just a cold calloused shell ..the remnants of someone that used to be.
I have given up. You have all won….
To those who said I’d fail…Congratulations
To those who said Id not amount to anything ….Victory
I am so tired of speaking love but being spoken to as if I’m nothing…
Eventually I’ve come to believe that…. That I am nothing
I deserve nothing
Because I am nothing
I want to close my eyes on this beautiful, beautiful morning.
I want to remember it.
The hurt will go away
My fears will go away
My insecurities, My doubts , My crying …they will all go away.
I will silence them , and I will drift away . I will drift away into nothingness.

Who Do I Run To?

2008-08-30T10:44:00.000-07:00

As I stand here contemplating
On the right thing to decide
Will I take the wrong direction all my life
Where will I go ?
What Lies ahead for me?

~Xscape, " Who Can I Run To?"

Real Talk .....
The more you live the more you learn.
Life has been teaching me some pretty hard lessons by taking me places and showing me things that I would have rather not seen. All my life I have tried to make pieces fit where they do not belong....I've burned so many bridges, and lost so so many friends in my relentless pursuit of trying to find that which I thought would make me whole. Its funny how desperate being lonely can make you become...so desperate that you tend to overlook your own broken heart while trying to soothe and comfort someone else’s. I have lost my faith in so many things....and I blame no one but myself.

Its hard when life holds a mirror up before you ....and it hurts when you do not like what it is that you see. I realize now, to my chagrin , that no one can make me happy , this is something that I must do all on my own. I got to find a way to right some if not all of my wrongs, and try to mend some of the relationships I've severed out of spite. I miss my sister Amy with all my heart ...and I need her so much right now ...just so that I do not feel that I have to face all of this all alone.

Its so hard not to be able to laugh with her and reminisce about the adventures we had growing up...I just wish I had an opportunity to speak what is on my heart ...To just tell her that I love her and to let her know of the hole she left in my heart when she went away.... But her ears stopped hearing long ago...and what was once a beautiful garden of friendship has become nothing more than dust and ashes.

I am at a crossroad in my life...I do not know which way to turn. In one ear I hear Alice and Elizar, urging me ... lulling me with whispers of a peace of mind that I never could have even imagined, or dared to dream exists . How I long to dance there in that happy sunny place but there is music playing elsewhere... It is familiar yet different...and the language....It is not unknown to me...I have heard this foreign tongue before. It excites me....It charms me....and it burns me with an impetuous passion, but the fire ...it consumes and I worry if there will be anything let of me to have for myself... I've locked the tears behind my eyes...This is not the time for crying...No this is the time for living. I have been dead rotting in the shadows for far too long.

I crave the sun....I crave the wind, the air....the rain....To feel the sweet sweet drops of rain upon my naked black skin. To feel alive....I deserve this ...this is what I deserve....and if you are unable Or incapable to give to me what I need to sustain myself...If you are unable to think of my feelings and of how your actions causes me pain .... Then I'm lost ....I am truly lost…
Who do I run to.....?

Random Answers...

2008-08-25T10:58:00.000-07:00

My Favorite color...Green.

Favorite type of food ....Italian.

I am a Vegetarian.

I love to write and read Poetry.

Jazz is the greatest music on earth.

I am afraid of the dark.

My lucky number is the number 7.

I absolutly love Independent and Foriegn Films.

I think Math was created by the devil....lol.

I used to have issues about my complexion.

I battle with my Weight ...I might also add that I'm winning that battle:-)

I would drop everything just to take a walking in the park.

Singing makes me happy.

Stevie Wonder is the singer I listen to the most.

Granny Smith apples are my weakness...well and Oatmeal Rasin Cookies too:-)

Pillars Of The Earth is my favorite book.

I try to be everyone's Saviour.

I am Extremely Shy.

Frosty was the name of my first cat.

Denver Co. & Charleston Sc. are the two places I lived where I felt the most at home.

Eric Reid was the first boy I ever had a crush on.

I love Snow & The Mountains.

My Grandmother’s Backyard is my favorite place in the whole world.

Stephanie is my closest cousin.

Dexter was my first true childhood friend…..

Parrish the first guy I ever really loved ( big mistake).

The Rain comforts me.

I wish I knew how to play the Piano.

As a kid I wanted to grow up to become a Teacher.

Guruprasad ....My baby:-)

The Right To Recant

2008-08-25T10:50:00.000-07:00

Being in love with someone so far away isn’t easy. It takes so much work and understanding on both parts.
I admit there have been times when I have overreacted and made mountains out of mole hills….we all have so I’m not going to beat myself up here for that. I know that it isn’t fair for me to compare things that are occurring in my present relationship with things that have occurred in the past. I’ve been guilty of that , and because of my insecurities I have erroneously jumped to all kinds of paranoid conclusions.
I was blinded by my own hurt , so blinded that I could not see that the man I love, he was hurting too.
I do not want to walk away from him….God knows that….He knows that….
I just get so frustrated , because I want him here….I’m so consumed with this want that sometimes I fear that I will go insane.
I do not like this road which love has lead me upon…..I do not like the weaknesses this journey is exposing in me….All I want is to laugh with him….to share my all with him …but the words seem to tangle inside my mouth and instead of bliss….out comes my fears …out comes my anguish.
I am not perfect …so I have decided to use this time that Mr. G and I are apart to work on myself….
to laugh at myself , but most importantly to love and appreciate myself…
Cause all in all … I’m a beautiful individual….even if I do say so myself…lol

Guruprasad…. Your Neo( I really did earn that name didn’t I …?) loves you …lol
My feet are firmly planted ….you know that I’m with you till the end….
And just so you know…..I have thrown away my gloves for good….:-) well….maybe…lol

On My Own.....

2008-08-24T09:33:00.000-07:00

Love , My Love
I wonder sometimes are you just a dream.
I sit in the dark wondering if our paths will ever cross again...
Lord I need to know....

~ Janet Jackson, " Where are you now"

Quite amazing , The power the heart has to heal itself when it is tired of hurting….
The play is over, the curtains have closed , and the actors they have each gone off in their own separate ways.
The ending score is playing …something dramatic and sad….so poignantly tender…enough to evoke tears…
And I am there in the wings….standing silently during the final hours ….Head bowed feeling quite defeated yet I am strong and I will not cry…I’ve done enough of that …far too much in my 36 years here.
I am after all a veteran…I have survived the fall from this stage before....
If nothing more I have come to realize that relationships end everyday for whatever reasons….
But love , love triumphs . Through out my journeys I have learned one solemn truth and that is that in order to survive one must love oneself …and today …..love gave me the strength I needed to walk away…
And as I exit the theater I will hold my head high because I know that he who knows all is busy writing up another script, and developing another Co star…. and maybe this time after much work and exhaustive rehearsals ..I will finally get that standing obviation...

Only God knows my pain....
Of all my stumbles this one hurts most of all.....
And though I say that I'm strong ...I know that it will be a while before I am ready to stand again.....

Thoughts.......

2008-08-21T20:10:00.000-07:00

Falling

The heat from your body engulfs me, a fire that only your kisses could quell.
And your hands upon me entices joy in places I dare not tell.
Your voice it soothes away my fears, a comfort through out the night
And when in life I lose my way, Your heart and soul become my guiding light.
~T

Random Things

Green, Italian, Vegetarian, Poetry, Jazz, The Dark, The Number 7, Independent Films, Math,
Complexion, Weight, Walking in the park, Singing, Stevie Wonder, Granny Smith Apples,
Pillars Of The Earth, Saviour, Extremely Shy, Frosty , Denver Co. & Charleston Sc., Eric Reid,
Snow & The Mountains, My Grandmother’s Backyard , Stephanie, Dexter…..Parrish, The Rain,
Piano, Teacher, …..Guruprasad.

Clue....My Favorite Color is Green:-)

Releasing Steam

2008-08-21T15:18:00.000-07:00

I often find myself alone on my balcony gazing up into the sky thinking about the world and the awful state that it is in. Every time I turn on the television there is news of famine and war….the troubles in Iraq, the bombings in Georgia…I ask myself so many times where is God while all of this is going on? Is he somewhere idly standing by as life erodes slowly into an abysmal ciaos? I do not know what to think anymore….the days roll by and it seems as if nothing ever really changes.
I live in America, The Great Free Nation….yet I am not free. I am a citizen by birth , yet I am not afforded all of the privileges in which it ensues. I work. I pay taxes the same as everyone else, but I am halted in my pursuit of happiness. I am denied rights simply because of whom I chose to love. The freedom of choice is such an irony.
In the past few days I have read so many horrible stories about families being ripped apart. Stories where loving committed partners are being forced to choose between the ones that they love and the country which they love. I get so damn angry at all of the injustices heaped upon my Gay & Lesbian brothers and sisters.
Our only hope at combating this blatant discrimination lies in the passage of the UAFA, The United American Families Act. If this bill becomes law it would allow us Gays & Lesbians the right to sponsor our committed life partner for US citizenship. I pray each night that whomever our next President may be that he has a compassionate heart, and that he realizes that we the LBGT community are human beings. We laugh, cry, love , and bleed the same as everyone else…
For more information on what you can do to help ….please visit Immigration Equality at….http://immigrationequality.org/

Thank You ,
T’jai

The Joy Inside My Tears

2008-08-12T14:29:00.000-07:00

You do not have to tell love when you are hurting, for it senses your distress and is there to lend a shoulder and offer you comfort. There is no need to say to love " I am thirsty", true love gives freely of itself...it isn't forced or learned...its either there or it isn't. I have lived much of my life giving freely of my heart and of my time, yet sadly it seems as if I have always ended up on the losing end. Love and I are two distant strangers yet to meet. In my dreams I 've imagined love. I've enjoyed its warmth and have basked in its glow, but I am 36 now and its long past time for me to stop living in a world of make believe. There are no princes upon white horses. There are no magical slippers to whisk me away from my unhappiness....no potions or flying carpets. In the end there is only me and my tears.

Everywhere I go I see people in love. And though I am not bitter I can not help but feel a tiny sting of jealousy. I sometimes wonder why it is that people like me who respect and honor love seem to be the very ones slaughtered by it. Maybe I do not belong here....I'm not even sure I want to anymore. In my heart I know my life would have been so much easier had I not been gay. I cry when I think back on when I was molested....how my family looked upon me in shame..such a burden to bare for someone so young.... After that I became invisible....I became the unmentionable...the ridicule of my family. I think of all the girls from my past who tried to love me...this one girl in particular ...Tonya...I wonder how my life would have been had I have been capable of feeling more for her than a warm brotherly love?

Every painful thing that has occurred in my life has come as a direct result of my sexuality. Many time I have wished that I could shed away this skin and all of the heartache it has brought along with it. but , I know that like it or not this is who I am. Despite the sorrows being gay has deepened my respect for love. It has given me an insight and a compassion for others that I never would have had , had I been straight. Sure I want a life long partner....Sure I long for stability, for a family of my own....Someday I know in my heart that God is going to grant me those things. He knows my heart is true...and that my spirit is one of peace...He loves me unconditionally ....and accepts me just the way that I am....Flaws and All. But until that day when I can hold my lover's hand and rest with the knowledge that I am his and he is mine....I will dry my tears and keep my eyes trained on India....and I will wait for the world to change...

Into the Wind

2008-08-10T18:44:00.000-07:00

5am came and found me wide awake….I sat up and listened to some music hoping that I would sail along the riffs back into a deep and peaceful sleep. Time passed and I soon began to feel restless. I showered and dressed and headed towards my balcony. Being the romantic that I am I thought it would be nice to watch the sunrise. I sat there Ipod in hand looking down upon the empty street. The cool morning air began to weave its effect on me…I felt relaxed and energized. Thirty minutes later my phone began to ring I tensed with anticipation hoping that it would be Guru, but I was only my store. I ignored the ringing and drifted back into my reverie. It wasn’t long before the sun began to reveal its self . I watched transfixed marveling in its splendor. So this is what peace of mind feels like? Is this what letting go of things I can not control feels like?
Although I am upset over things that I will not discuss here…I’m ok…..Aeolus has blessed me with a beautiful morning breeze, and today nothing can touch me…..not even Distance…….

Searching The Soul

2008-08-10T10:42:00.000-07:00

Distant Lover

The seconds saunters and lingers on forever
And nothing is really quite the way it seems
My thoughts they race to find you there wherever
Your image burns so brightly in my dreams
Lonely are the days and nights with out you
But I'll continue waiting patiently
Till the day when you awaken and discover
This heart that longs to hold you endlessly
Long ago I stop counting all the teardrops
Though it truth it seemed a million may have fell
And I wonder where our story's going to take us
Will we endure or become lost along its trail?

~ T'jai

The Wisdom Of Words

2008-08-06T18:28:00.000-07:00

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the season less world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

From "The Prophet", By Kahlil Gibran

Once a person has been hurt by love it takes them a while before they can ever trust someone again. I grew up watching my Mother and my aunts being hurt by the very men they loved and devoted themselves to ...So, I vowed at a very early age that I'd never become that type of man.
Through out my life I’ve dedicated myself to one bad relationship after the other ....endlessly giving of myself until I was left spent, cold and lonely. gay life has been both harsh and cruel . It is not easy trying to love a man, but this is who I am .....this is the path that has been laid out before me....I turned 36 a few days ago ....and all I could think about was how fast the time has flown by.....and just how far God has brought me.
I am not where I had envisioned myself being at this age. In a lot of ways I am just beginning.
I took sometime today for myself ...to just sit and reflect on all the places life has taken me and of the many hard lessons it has had to teach. I've decided to walk away from my current job. This was by no means an impulsive rash decision. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and I've come to realize that this job is the source for most of my unhappiness. I've also decided to return to school winter quarter...I'm not sure wither I will stay with the nursing program or not , I just know that school is a necessity.
I’m learning patience as well, but not exactly in the way I’d like , but I’m realizing more and more that real love dosen’t just grow overnight. it’s a fragrant flower that needs proper time and care in order for it to thrive and bloom. I’ve spent so much of my life hiding behind my words, but tonight I want to reveal myself a bit. I have been reading this book My sister Amy turned me on to about 10 years ago…Its called the Prophet , It was written by a Lebanese poet and philosopher Kahlil Gibran. His words and his poetry have been a great inspiration to me…I just felt like sharing the passage that he wrote about love…It really touched me. I’ve underlined and highlighted a few phrases which held deep meaning for me….
All my life I’ve wanted a guy to pour his heart for me….to reassure me with his actions as well as his words that the love he held for me was genuine, Some people go through their whole lives never knowing the joy, and tenderness of love….So if you are reading this and you have someone in your life that loves you ….and they are very expressive in the way that they feel about you …please allow that person to express their feeling….as the old adage goes …sometimes you never miss your well until the waters run dry….Do all you can in your relationship to keep those vital fountains flowing

The Reason Why My Heart Sings

2008-08-02T06:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Guru,

In so many ways my heart cries out to you . You have become such a beautiful part of me...Loving you gives me clarity as well as courage. Even in times where your practicality has to quell my impulsiveness I love you still. We have a long and winding road ahead of us , please take comfort in knowing that my heart is here to hold you and comfort you in your weary times of doubt.

I believe in you ...I believe in us.

My heart is yours.

I love you so much....

~Your Lion

T'jai

The Power Of Spoken Word

2008-08-02T06:05:00.000-07:00

Somewhere there is rain and I am there ….amid the endless fields of lavender…
This is my place of happiness.
I close my eyes and I am there.
~ T'jai

Long ago I used to believe that if I gave my dreams a voice it would somehow transform them giving them life, well that was all in the past. I realize now that sometime no matter how many tears are shed some things are just never meant to be. The past few days have been hard on me both mentally and physically.
I have a lot of anger inside of me and I’m not really sure why. Its so unlike me . I have been working myself to death at a job that I really could care less for. The hour commute there and back has really taken its toll on me, not to mention the 14 hour shifts that I have been putting in. I have become grouchy snapping at my employees for the least little thing. Today I spent most of my time locked inside my office crying. One of my employees knocked at the door asking me if I was ok… I wiped my eyes dry and did my best to force a smile trying to perfect the illusion before opening the door and telling him that everything was ok. But once the door was opened and I saw the look of concern he had …I could no longer hold back my tears . I was startled when he held me tightly and kissed me softly on the forehead. I gently pushed away and stood there not knowing what to think. Here I was this weepy little gay manager being hugged by this 6’4 very obviously straight male employee. He came closer rubbed my back and walked away smiling. I stood there longer gathering my thoughts …but my mind was drifting ….drifting over land ….drifting over seas….My mind was on India and my handsome Sagittarian . I wished with all my heart that he was able to be here with me.
I decided that maybe I should step outside to get so fresh air and try to clear my head, but I could see that it had begun to rain . The restaurant soon became busy and I buried away my thoughts and busied myself with work . So many things went wrong today….The grills caught fire in the middle of breakfast , the pipes under the dishwasher burst covering the floor in an inch or so in water , my fryers died on me , and last but not least the computers crashed….All I could think about was dousing everything with gasoline striking a match and watching the whole place burn to nothing but rubble…..Everyday something happens in my restaurant, everyday something breaks down ….its inevitable…..So I have come to always expect the worst. I miss working in the medical field…..that job really made me feel as if the work I did mattered. I felt as If I had a purpose. I regret that I had to leave that job to take this one, but we do what we must out of necessity. I have to have a job that will afford me to be able to save up for school, and being a C.N.A which only pays minimum wage was so not it.
All while I’m at work my eyes are on the clock …I‘ve decided today that I will not stay over as I usually do. I will leave at a decent time. My head is aching and all I want to do is just get in my car and drive home but I know once there I will only stare at the walls until I fall asleep ….My life is so empty…..All my friends are in relationships and even though they are constantly inviting me out I always decline because I usually end up feeling like a 5th wheel. I am comforted knowing that Guru and I are both committed towards making our relationship work , but we keep running into obstacles getting him here . Tomorrow is my birthday and all I want is to be in his arms….That is all I’ve ever wanted.

The Bridge That Love Built

2008-07-29T11:42:00.000-07:00

You're holding me and I close my eyes
You're whispering and I start to cry
You feel so good, you're so beautiful
For as long as you live, don't let me go
Just hold me, touch me, feel me
As long as you love me
Reach for me and need me
If you could trust me and teach me,
Never let go of me
Because you're half of me, my heart still beats
Looking in the eyes, the eyes of love
I hold your face and i see the sun
And I taste your kiss, and you touch my soul
And I'm feeling things
I never felt before
Just hold me, touch me, feel me
As long as you love me
Reach for me and need me
If you could trust me and teach me,
Never let go of me
Because you're half of me, my heart still beats
I am feeling what they call pure love
I never knew feelings like this could exist inside of me
I am soaring, emotions exploding
I don't want to live another day if you're not here with me…
Because you’re half of me , my heart still beats.
~Beyonce, “ My Heart Still Beats”

Tomorrow sun has begun to rise in an endless array of light bringing with it the promise of a new day. Gone away are the looming grey clouds of yesterday...Today I am filled with happiness, hope and Laughter.
Maybe I am crazy to think so , but I feel as if the very course of my life have begun to shift. I am pealing away this protective layer and exposing my heart again. It feels so good to feel the warmth again...to breathe in the air .
Its as if I’m running barefoot through a meadow of jasmine uncaring of the direction in which I am headed...Just happy to be running. For the first time in years I feel confident....I feel inspired.
I think bout the tender feelings I have budding for my distant Sagittarian….I think about holding him , kissing him . I have so much love in my heart which I want so desperately to give to only him. I wonder what it would be like to just sit staring into his eyes.
So many nights I have held conversations with him in my dreams, So many nights I have imagined the warmth of his embrace...felt the heat of his breath on the back of my neck....I want to know what he smells like...I want to lay awake all night just so I can watch him sleep peacefully.
Yes....I love him more than words can say.
And even though he is so far away …I close my eyes and he is there…..And we are both running:-)

The Prodigal Son

2008-07-26T19:11:00.000-07:00

Never would have made it .
Never could have made it without you.
I would have lost it all , but now I see how you were there for me and I can say ....
Never would have made it.
Never could have made it without you.
I would have lost it all , but now I can see how you were there for me ...I can say...
I'm stronger, I'm wiser , I'm better
Much better !!
When I look back on all you have brought me through I can see you were the one that I held on to.

Marvin Sapp , " Never Could Have Made It"

From my bedroom window I watch the sky as it grows darker.I've been sitting here for some time now.. just listening to the rain.... So many thoughts are in my head . My heart is longing to see Claire...just to hug her...My mind is on my oldest niece...In a lot of ways she is a lot like me .
I only wished her and my Sister ( her mother) would make an attempt to get along...After so many endless fights she has shut down her heart as well as her good sense I'm afraid and moved in with some guy . So many times in their lives ( my family ) I have stepped in to referee,I have been a therapist to their woes....A bank for their financial hardships ...so much so that I'm not even sure that they realize that I too am a person with feelings... trials and troubles of my own. I wish I could talk to her , to tell her that I too grew up at odds with my mother....In someways I fully understand her ...I know all to well how it is when a battered heart has had enough. I just hope and pray that she will continue with her plans to attend college and not end up pregnant like her mother was at such an early age. I fear for my brothers ...One is having a difficult time managing his finances , and although I 've bailed him out more than once ... sadly I realize that I'm not invincible...I can not be his saviour and that hurts my heart...Everyday I get calls from them about their troubles and I want to give all that I have to help them....but like a flowing fountain I have freely given of myself until there is nothing left of me to give.... Being the oldest of 6 is really hard....

Am I selfish to want a little time to myself ? Is it selfish of me to put aside the cape and tare the S from my chest....not to play superman for once....To just be Timothy...not T'jai .....Tim or Timmy ....but Timothy...Is it wrong for me to want a little sunlight for myself? ...Can I not just for a moment have some one attend my needs...to care for me? to call me up and ask how I am doing...Maybe I am asking for too much .....Is it God's plan for me to cater for the rest of my life ...to be the giving servant...the gentle caring one....? Dear Lord its me.....I need comfort too, I need to be attended to....Maybe my biggest fault is that I am governed by the heart. I mean after all I am a Leo. God I am grateful ....I am blessed in that you have made me strong ...you have made me into a survivor and I know my family sees that ...and that is why they come to me for things...Please help me to show them that all I have has come from you ....Every time life kicked me down you picked me up and carried me till I was able to stand again...I am blessed that you have given me a heart that is capable of loving freely. I am blessed that you have given me a nurturing spirit which gives of itself generously...All I ask is that you heal My broken family....we are all weary from our tribulations...
let us find a respite from the storm in you Oh Lord.

God, you alone know my heart as well as my thoughts.
I know you already are privy to this but, there is someone special who has come into my life. And although right now I know not where this road will lead either of us...I just pray that you will strengthen us both and make us so much more wiser for the journey...
I love you ...

Timothy

PS...I love you Sagittarius:-)

A Whisper Of Hope

2008-07-23T18:50:00.000-07:00

I used to think that love was just a fairy tale , until that first hello ...until that first smile .But if I had to do it all again I wouldn't change a thing because this love is everlasting .Suddenly life has new meaning for me. There is beauty up above and things we never take notice of...you wake up and suddenly you're in love. You're everything a man could want an more...One Thousand words are not enough to say what I feel inside. Hold my hand as we walk down by the shore...I never felt like this before, You are all that I'm living for.

~ Billy Ocean , “Suddenly”

Its amazing to me how beautiful God truly is. For so long I have lived my life silently blending into the shadows listlessly going about my days. This was my routine…..this was my life…austere, cold, and very much lonely. And then to my surprise without any hesitation the sun appears…..And though I am a bit timid I have allowed myself to feel the warmth of its rays. I’ve begun to laugh again ….to dream again …..and my heart , :-) My heart has begun to sing again.

Guru and I have been talking for a few days now, but in my mind it feels as I have known him all of my life.. I’ve shared so much about myself with him , things that I feared would have frighten him away. But he is still here and the bond between us grow stronger with each passing day. I’m not sure what tomorrow will hold for us …I am just going to relax and allow the waves to take me where they may. Sometimes I cry wondering why he has to be so far away….India. Are we only fooling ourselves to think that we could make this impossible dream into a reality ? All I know right now is how he makes me feel…..And I refuse to allow negative thoughts to poison me with unhappiness. I wonder if he thinks of me as much as I think of him…I can’t help but smile each time I listen to the voice messages he left on my phone. I’m 35 and I’m here I am giggling like some school girl….
I know some will say its way too soon for me to be feeling like this , but I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be lost in his embrace. I want to know his hopes his fears. I want to know what it feels like to be curled up in bed alongside him. I want to hold his hands ….kiss him gently…I just wished with all my heart that he was here..

Guru
Each night my heart sings songs of you lulling me softly to sleep.
And the thought of holding you there in my dreams is enough to make me weep.
I sit adrift as time rolls by wondering if you’re ok ,needing the warmth of your voice to get me through each day.
I fantasize of kissing you , of your sweet caress and warm embrace...and I’m jolted back into reality by the tears streaming across my face.
Will I have a chance at loving you?
In this life will I ever find, this guy who captivates my soul, my body, and my mind.…?

~T’jai

The Death Of Me

2008-06-10T11:27:00.000-07:00

Its hard letting go of the past. No one knows that better than myself. Even though it hurt it just seemed easier , more convenient dare I say to just hold on. For so long I have allowed my depression to get the best of me....for far too long I've let one bad relationship after another define who it is I thought I was. It is past time I ventured forth to find the real me. Life for me has not been easy , but then again has it really been for anyone? I allowed the hurts from my past to keep me locked away. I allowed my insecurities to get the best of me ....keeping me from forming friendships , casting me into a reclusive lifestyle. Drama was a constant friend of mine. It took the advice of someone with a thick skin to give me the jolt I needed to try to arrange and make sense of the mess I've made of my life. Her advice...plain and simple...." Bitch , Take off the fucking tiara." " Aren't you tired of playing the Pity Princess?" lol . Yeah I have to say the girl has balls, and I am proud to call her my friend ....even tho shes jonesing for my blockhead brother( lol) she's alright:-)
So there you go Crystal....Maybe if you'd hook me up with Mr.You Know Who at the Circle K ...I'd cheer up a bit....

The Heart Of The Matter

2008-05-30T16:44:00.000-07:00

I got the call today I didn't want to hear but I knew that it would come. An old true friend of ours was talking on the phone she said you'd found someone. and I thought of all the bad luck and all the struggles we went through how I lost me and you lost you . What are all these voices outside loves open door make us throw off our contentment and beg for something more? I been learning to live without you now, but
I miss you sometimes . The more I know the less I understand. All the things I thought I knew I'm learning them again. I been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter but I think its about forgiveness...even if you don't love me anymore.....
~India Aire

I have been living a lie all these lonely years holding on to a love that I know is dead and gone.
Its hard to imagine that still I find myself holding my pillow tight thinking of you and the way that you used to hold me. My god there are so many things that I wanted to experience with you , so many places that I wanted to explore with you . I have been punishing myself all these years, beating myself...slowly killing myself with one bad choice after the other as if I'm sacrificing the life I have left inside me just for one more moment of your long forgotten tenderness. I realized only yesterday that I have never really let go....Ive said I have, pretended that I have but deep inside I locked the last bit of hope I held for us deep inside stubbornly holding that poison deep inside of me. I don't understand...I just don't understand....These scars will never really heal despite what everyone has told me. Maybe it is all about forgiveness. Truthfully I never have...forgiven you that is....For abandoning me, for hurting me, for not loving me....Loving you destroyed my life....Loving you robbed me of something so precious that nothing , no one can ever restore. And you never even acknowledged the hurt, never acknowledged the scars both mental and physical that I wear.
Your name is permanently etched on my heart....and I will die in my yearning for you and your caresses. I have been trying so damn hard to live without you, and I know you don't love me anymore but for some reason I am so eaten up on the inside so much so that I am only a shell of a person.

Why does it still hurt me? I been thinking that I could solve it all by just dissolving. Thoughts come racing to my mind that I haven't thought of in years...sad thoughts ...lonely thoughts. I'm in Augusta again ...Ive been here for the past few weeks with my job....I thought about the first time I was here...when I was 16...back when I spent some time at Georgia Regional....3 months...I'm feeling the same way I felt then....Of closing my eyes and just resting.......I really need to get myself some help.

Grieve

Into the wind I will shed my tears.
leaving trails of hurt across my face.
From so many restless nights of reaching and finding you not there.
Time goes on as soon so will I but my heart will not forget... holding and loving you long after our sun has set.

~T

The Voyage Back To Me

2008-05-12T18:18:00.000-07:00

Do you know where your going to ?
Do you like the things that life is showing you ?
Where are you going to ?
Do you know?
Do you get what your hoping for,
When you look behind you there’s no open doors.
What are you hoping for ?
Do you know?
Now looking back at all we had.
We let so many dreams just slip through our hands .
Why must we wait so long before we see how sad the answers to those questions can be?

~ Diana Ross

At 35 I stand at the crossroads of my life and I wonder how I managed to make such a mess of the gifts God had bestowed upon me.
I try my damnedest to piece myself back together after each crippling disappointment after the other. I am so spent, worn out , weary.
I am so damn thirsty for a drink of life, of happiness but it always seems to be dangling right outside of my reach ...Am I a fool to try to keep this elusive needful thing within my sights?..
Yes...I am a fool. I channel all my energy into my despair Just so that I’m taunted and teased by what my sullen self keep telling me that I cannot have.
The mistakes I have made in this life have all been a result of me entrusting my heart to the wrong man. I should give up, I should fold my hands and concede and let old age and bitterness consume what little spark of hope and youth that I have left.
I am so utterly lost.
Yes , I am lost …and I’m stupid because my heart has once again started to whisper.
I’ve tried so many times to quell its yearnings , but It sings, it sings his name.
And I should know better. I am no stranger to this jagged path, I could trace it with both my eyes closed. I know its traps, and I am well versed in the sorrow that ensues. This road leads to nowhere…and I , like some dizzy soul… am compelled …I feel the cold earth underneath my feet , and the tears have already begun to sting as they cascade across my face..... And he who has no clue, sits aloof in his home neither knowing nor caring that I even exist.

Timothy

what more will I have to endure to grab a little sanity for myself?
Their scornful eyes are raking over me, and I grow weary here on this shelf.
I'm drifting on a sea of make believe...with a heart so unfufilled,
Grasping on to nothingness living a life thats so surreal.
I'm dying for a gentle smile. I'm craving a soft caress.
Needing desperately to find peace from my unhappiness.

~T'jai

“Most of our problems are caused by our inability to get over the things done to us in our past….”
~ Henry White

For Lawrence

2008-03-29T23:21:00.000-07:00

I was watching the news the other day and was sadden by what I had heard.
It hurts to know that at this age in time people are still subject to hatred because of who they are. It really broke my heart to learn of Lawrence King's tragic death.... To have life taken from him at such an early age simply because he wore makeup to school...What is wrong with this world? It isn't much but I decided to write a poem for Lawrence , who knows maybe it will find its way to his family and the families of others who have been hurt senselessly for being who they are...

King Lawrence

These tears I shed fall not all on their own
but by the callousness and lack of love this backwards world has shown.
from years of repression and hiding in shame
The snickers and insults that poisoned my name.
but your hate it has not killed me,for instead I have grown strong
And I thrive in spite of your aggressions because I know now I belong.
I have put aside my sorrows from these faces cast in stone
And I have arisen to a new light for my spirit journeys on.

~T'jai

My Kingdom For A Chance At Love

2008-03-13T11:11:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately more or less trying to put my life into some sort of manageable order.To date I've lost a total of 110lbs, yet still I feel as if I haven't lost a single ounce..I know that this is all in my head, but sometimes I can't help but feel that no matter what changes I make to and for myself it will never quite be enough. I recently placed an online personal ad.. I worry now wither it was the right thing to do. My heart is still a bit delicate ...true the exterior of my being is all tough and resilient, but not my heart it is soft and it is fragile. I'm older but not necessarily wiser when it comes to matters of the heart..Love ...sometimes I wonder what its all about. Why do we kill ourselves in a relentless persuit to find it?....
Seems it should be simpler...A person is lonely wanting love so they place an ad in the hopes of finding happiness , but instead all they get is an inbox full of sexual innuendos and rejections for not being thin enough, masculine enough, light or dark enough ...close enough... Aarrrrrrgh!!!!! ...Enough Already!!!!!!
Gay men truly are vain...( yeah, myself included...lol)
Come on guys It really doesn't have to be this hard...I know we all have our own set of things that we want , but we paint on so many requirements that we tend to forget the one thing that caused us to place our ad in the first place...loneliness..
What more will I have to do to find that which evades me? Try some patience???...lol , yeah right I've heard that one too many times...I assume I will just have to strip away all my layers and just blurt out what it seems everyone wants to know...I am a bottom, No, I don't have a deep voice, I do not drink or smoke, I live an hour from Atlanta ( I might as well be on another planet) I tend to be shy at times, I'm not very masculine, but I have a faithful heart and its filled with love that I'm willing to give to the "One" ...that is if such a thing even exists...and no I am not bitter...just a bit tart....lol:-)

Duracell

I contemplated happiness as a child , but now that I'm fully grown
Reality bites and I realize I may end up being all alone.
So blinded by the drama I became a helpless victim of cirumstance,
But I've come to know its not the "swagger" I should seek when searching for romance.
So, before I lose my mind again, I'll reflect on the things revealed from my past.
Cause this time my heads on right ..and I'm not giving up my love unless its built to last.

~T'jai

No More Tears...

2007-12-17T16:47:00.000-08:00

I stepped away for a while to clear my head and to allow myself to get a better grasp of who I am. Ive dealt with all of the hurts from the past and know now exactly where it is that I am going...I'm not really sure what else to say...Seems as if I've been down this road once before...you fall, stand back up , brush yourself off and try again...For a long time I have hid behind my words...I've sought comfort from just logging in and seeing responses to my posts, but I realize that life keeps on moving...it keeps going and if I don't flow along with it I will be consumed by the shadows...spent ...wasted...forgotten. Since September I have lost an amazing 50 lbs ...This came from God... ( and perscribed meds ) there is no way that I could have done this on my own...Only 30 more to go ( yes..I had really let myself go) So yeah its time I retired the title "Hermit ", peek my head from underneath these covers, and experience this thing called life. I'm scared because I will be stepping far outside of my comfort zone...but then again this new love and respect that I have for myself makes it all well worth it:)

Now you can wait your whole life wondering
When it's gonna come or where it's been.
You may have got your heart broken
A few times in the past
Never last strong as it used to,
Don't feel as good as it used to (before)
And all the things you used to say,
Things you used to do, went right out the door
Oh no more, will you be the one
That's what you tell everyone around you
But you know they've heard it all before
What more can you say
When love won't let you, walk away
And you can't help who you love
And you find yourself giving it away
When you think you're in love....

"Heaven Sent", Keyshia Cole

The Gift Of Inspiration

2007-11-05T11:04:00.000-08:00

I have so much going on in my life right now...Stress on top of stress.
From dealing with the health of my parents to my Brother's financial woes...
Sometimes it gets so overwhelming. I found out a few days ago that I'm borderline diabetic.
I was saddened by this news of course but I wasn't surprised...I come from a long line of high blood pressure, cancer and yes diabetes. But what really hit me was when an old friend that I haven't seen in years stopped by my place of employment to pay me a visit. I could immediately see the concern in his eyes when he asked about my recent weight gain. I tried making excuses...No time to exercise, but my friend being the mascot of health that he is was not having that...I was forced to really take a look at what I had been putting myself through both mentally and physically. I have battled with weight and depression pretty much all my life...I've had a few victories and yes even a few defeats. My friend, Rafael scolded me...almost to the point of invoking tears, but I didn't let one spill...I held it all inside...not because I was embarrassed to cry...I held it inside because I knew that the things that he said were true. I am frightened with the thought of having diabetes...not so long ago my mother discovered she was suffering from this disease. This battle already claimed the lives of two of my aunts...and now its waging a war against my Mother, Father, and Me.
My mother probably does not know this because we are not the type of family that shows affection, which is very sad, but she is my heroine. So much has happened to her in her life , so many obstacles plagued her...some hindered but none halted. We have grown closer through the years...Her accepting my homosexuality, Me accepting the fact that she did the best she could raising five kids all on her own...So yes....I'm scared but I know that I am not in this alone...I find comfort in knowing that I can call her and get advice on how to deal with this ....One day maybe she will find comfort in me giving her advice on how not to let the rest of my siblings, or her's drive her crazy. I have a feeling that we are both gonna be just fine...

The Cold November Rain

2007-11-02T19:07:00.000-07:00

In school I read "The Bell Jar", by Sylvia Plath. I remember feeling much like the character Esther Greenwood. High School was a very difficult phase in my life. I wrestled with my race, my family's financial woes, and my sexuality...In any case I wrote this poem for all the Esther Greenwoods of the world... Although it sounds depressing when you read it...its really about overcoming your obstacles and reaching your full potential.

Lithium

Like a seed
I feel the cold of earth pressing all against me
There in the darkness
I am watered by my tears.
By sheer will I grow stronger
I thrive, pushing forth to embrace the warmth of the sun.
But with the passing of time I wither
I die a little inside each day,
Until the joy of my fragrant youth passes.
And I fade from beauty.

~T

While My Pen Gently Weeps

2007-11-02T18:40:00.000-07:00

This morning started out the same as any other.I groggily pulled myself out of bed at a quarter past four...showered , shaved, brushed my teeth. all that was different was this song playing in the back of my head. Though I couldn't quite remember the lyrics I hummed the missing words. I must have driven myself crazy standing there at the mirror trying to remember the name of that song...what was even more perplexing was that I couldn't figure out why knowing this song was so important. I continued humming forcing my mind to concentrate while I busied myself preparing breakfast.... And then it hit me. Like a forceful stinging wind...The song "So Blue", by The Jayhawks

Where have all my friends gone ?
They've all disappeared .
Turned around maybe one day you're all that was there .
Stood by unbelieving.
Stood by on my own .
Always thought I was someone, turned out I was wrong .
You brought me through ,and you made me feel.....

(Chorus )
So Blue. Why don't you stay behind?
So Blue .Why don't you stop and look at what's going down?

Lived by an old woman.
She'd never sell me a lie .
It's hard to sing with someone ,who won't sing with you .
Give all of my mercy.
Give all of my heart .
Never thought that I'd miss you, that I'd miss you so much.
You brought me through ,and you made me feel......
(Chorus)

So Blue. Why don’t you, why don’t you stay behind.
So Blue. why don’t you, why don’t you stay behind?
So Blue, Why don't you stop and look at what's going down?

-The Jayhawks

This forgotten song brought back so many memories of summers past when My sister Amy and I would go on trips to Charleston Sc. God I haven't thought of Amy in years...
I was only 16 when Amy and her family took me in and made me one of their own.
It must have seemed odd to any outsiders as to how a 17 year old black gay boy came to live with the family of a 16 year old white straight female. but As country and southern baptist as they are ( with the exception of Amy...lol) they are my family and I didn't realize how much I love and miss them until today...until I heard this song....and now I'm feeling So Blue

Amy,
My life is so cold and lonely without you little sister.
I wish I could take back the hurtful things I said and did which caused your heart to become stone.
I know that you could no longer stand to see me murder myself with the bad choices I made one after the other. And I realize now that I allowed my depression to poison not only my sanity but yours also. I am not angry at you anymore for pulling yourself ashore...It was me who decided to stay chained to that sinking boat which had become my life...You were the moon in my life bringing me the peace and solace I so needed, and my niece Claire an angel whose laughter was like balm to my troubled spirit...I love and miss you both

I wrote this poem for Amy some years ago...

Pisces

She comes to me by silver streams,the moonlight as her sire.
And the waves they do her bidding, for her will is their desire.
Her voice a clasp of thunder knows my soul by name,
Yet her blue eyes speak acceptance and in them there's no shame.
No heart shall ever posses this princess of the sea,
For her essence is of the ocean forever flowing free.
~T

Just One Of Those Days

2007-10-24T18:47:00.000-07:00

Alone in this house again tonight I got the tv on. The sound turned down and a bottle of wine. Theres pictures of you and I on the walls around me the way that it was and could have been surrounds me. I 'll never get over you walking away. I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show and I thought that being strong meant never losing your self- control but I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain, to hell with my pride let it fall like rain from my eyes. Tonight I wanna cry.
-Keith Urban

The sound of the rain against my window rouses me ...Somewhere between Al Jerreau and the whirring of my space heater I must have drifted off to sleep. Disoriented I stumbled towards the kitchen ...I stand in the door way shaking my head in dismay at the dirty dishes swimming there in my sink. This is so unlike me. I'm usually so meticulously tidy, but today ...today I couldn't care less. I wonder sometimes why I kill myself cleaning the way that I do....so intensely...compulsively even as if washing away the dirt washes away my loneliness . I am besieged with worries of tomorrow....plagued by dust and smudges on my glass top dining room table. Let them mock me as they may....tonight I lay down my broom and dust pan.... no more pretense of invincibility...I'm tired ...I'm vulnerable.
Damn I just need to be held.

Unrequited

With the taste of you still upon my lips my eyes ignite wanting more
And I feel my waves slowly parting beckoning you to come explore
So forcefully I am taken the yearning ebbs inside of me
And I drown there in your passion nevermore to be free.
But I have in my possession fruit from knowledge's bitter tree
And I know that when tomorrow comes you'll fade from memory.

~T

Transcending

2007-08-25T19:24:00.000-07:00

I can't remember the last time I have just gone outside to sit and feel the warmth of the sun upon my skin...Its amazing how something as simple as that can make me feel so refreshed and grateful to be alive.The sky is so majestic and blue...its as if I'm seeing and experiencing all of this for the first time. I have worries and I have fears but I'm not allowing any of that to touch me today...
Its just me and my Ipod:-)

My Current Playlist

Under The Bridge ~ Red Hot Chili Peppers
A Day In The Life ~ The Beetles
Red Red Wine ~ Ub40
Honesty ~ Billy Joel
I Would Give Everything I Own ~ Bread
Through The Fire ~ Chaka Kahn
The Hook ~ Blues Travelers
At Last ~ Etta James
Out Here On My Own ~ Irene Cara
The Rose ~ Bette Midler
So Far Away ~ Carole King
Golden Lady ~ Stevie Wonder
Words Get In The Way ~ Gloria Estefan
There's Nothing Better Than Love ~ Luther Vandross F/ Gregory Hines
Zoom ~ The Commodores
Beyond The Sea ~ Michael Buble
Living All Alone ~ Nancy Wilson

My Season In The Sun

2007-08-09T19:04:00.000-07:00

Time really does heal all wounds.
Yesterday I spoke very briefly with my ex, Bryan. I listen as he told me all about this new guy in his life. He told me that he had renewed his relationship with God and paid homage to this new guy for putting him on the right path. I listened wholeheartedly happy just hear him so excited. I couldn't help but to think of the many times I pleaded with him to be honest, to be faithful....Why could he give to this man all the things he failed to give me? I don't want to dwell on these things..I've moved on and I'm far from bitter. It actually soothes my heart to know that he is happy...I told him how proud I was of him .. I even wished him and his new friend well...I ended the conversation by saying...Bryan above all things ...be good and true to yourself and to him....I hope this time he listened.

Onwards

The wind at my back urges me forward,
Each step I take brings me closer ...closer to my peace, closer to my joy, closer to you...
I stumble in nervous anticipation, but I am not deterred.
Poised, aimed , focused....I am headed to where I want to be.....beside you.
Tears well behind my eyes, but I deny them their passage...
I have removed the mask I've worn so long....this day you will see me for who I am... Me, Myself.
Clouds of fear passes over me threatening to drench me in self doubt,
But the warmth of hope shines through , and my leo's confidence becomes that of the sun...bold...
I leave behind the disappointments and heartache which had shadowed and darkened me
Unashamed I am standing in the radiant light
A long forgotten smile finds me....now I am ready...now I am free...I am ready to love.
~T'jai

Come A little Closer....

2007-08-05T21:40:00.000-07:00

I know that its late and maybe I shouldn't be so into you ...its just that tonight I am so taken I'm falling for you .......I know you 'll be leaving me soon but tonight ...come a little bit closer let me hold you baby. I will be good to you and we can try to forget tomorrow, make it last forever tonight. So if you must go know that I'll be missing you ,wishing you closer . So lets make the most of these moments together well never forget. And its breaking my heart cause I know tomorrow you'll be miles away and I catch myself wanting much more.... tonight come closer. ~ Brandy

My First Kiss

Its 11:43 pm....
I know that I should probably try to sleep , but for some reason I can't stop looking out of the window. The stars are so beautiful. I feel like going outside just so I can feel the cool night air against my skin. There are so many thoughts in my head , things that I need to sort out...but not tonight. Tonight I just want to enjoy the peaceful quiet.I've turned off my music so that now all I can hear are the crickets...For some reason that sound reminds me of Glen.
I met Glen when I was in the 7th grade, he was a few years older. He was this tall lanky brown skinned bad boy... I was skinny and very shy...to be honest I was kind of afraid of him.
His dad was my bus driver and often Glen and I would end up sharing a seat together. We'd sit together never saying a single word to each other, well not until that day he took my English book and refused to give it back. I laugh now , but back then I was scared...He gave me his phone number and told me that if I wanted my book back I'd have to call him when I got home...I didn't know what to do so I did as he had said. Its funny how I can still remember that gaudy brown telephone that hung on our kitchen wall, the kind with the message board and compartment to store the phone book , but I can't recall a single word of our conversation , except that he wanted me to walk over to his house which was just a few streets over....I stalled until I had built up my courage. I didn't know if he was going to beat me up or not...I just knew I had to get my book back.
I finally ended up walking to his house where I found him waiting for me on his front porch...I'm not sure which on of us spoke first...all I know is that we must have talked for hours..before I knew it had begun to get dark...I remember him asking if he could walk me home...this I thought was funny, as if he needed my permission to walk anywhere...I'm not sure why I didn't just run in the house and lock the door when we got to my house...instead we went into the back yard where there was a picnic table hidden underneath a grove of pecan trees. We sat there for hours laughing and talking amid the june bugs and crickets....and then something very strange happened...Glen leaned closer and kissed me on my lips.
All I could feel was this incredible electric current coursing throughout my body. In the distance I could hear my mom calling me to come inside, threatening me with bodily harm if I didn't, but I didn't move ...I couldn't move...I was lost in Glen's beautiful brown eyes.

The Finding Of Myself....

2007-08-04T16:29:00.000-07:00

I started this blog as a way for me to exercise a few demons, It was to be a vehicle for me to express my inner most feelings without shame , fear of persecution or rejection. As of late much of my writings have been dark and gloomy...so much so that I'm sure that those of you reading this might begin to think that its nothing more than the hysterical rantings of a deranged lunatic ..lol. Let me assure you that I am nothing of the sort. I just believe that writing frees me. It allows me to purge myself of all of my fears and self doubts. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that writing is just my way of releasing tension. We all go through episodes in our lives where we are somewhat unbalanced. I think that its trials like those that steels us and makes us stronger...these are the things that shapes us into the people that we are to become. Had it not been for my many unfortunate events I would not be the strong resilient person I am today.
I realize that my poetry is rather sad and depressing , but
Most of my poems have a hidden meaning...some are never really about what one would think...take for instance the one entitled "Go Deep."At first glance you would most likely assume that I'm writing about anal sex...lol , but in truth the poem is really about a passionate first kiss. I will not lie I do have my own set of issues...I have my phobias and fears same as anyone else , but please do not draw conclusions about me based on the jottings in my blog. Delve deeper my good friend...The blog is just an artificial surface. The real me...the intoxicatingly funny , witty , nerdy, awkwardly shy T'jai has many facets...none of which include psyche patient...lol. Been there done that...over it!! I guess the only way that you are going to paint me in my true colors is for me to reveal myself to you ...I do caution you however...I can be more than a handful. At this point in my life I have entered into a whole new realm of self discovery. I am learning that I have this incredible and quite amazing ability to heal..and to forgive.

I've realized that everything you wants not meant to be...and then there's always love that tries to trip you up. You try to catch yourself before you hit the ground, but nothings promised...So long farewell ...My ship has sailed.... After all that I've been through. I've found myself. - Ciara

Parrish, Moses, Maranze, Shashank , and Bryan.... So long farewell. My life's moving forward...I forgive you all.

Untitled

For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to be something other than what I am.
I used to be so embarrassed growing up because my brother's and Sister's skin was lighter than mine. I can't tell you how many times I got teased because of this... at such a very early age I was filled with so many insecurities. At sixteen must have tried every over the counter product there was...Ambi, Black Opal, and Entone all to no avail.At 35 I look back and I laugh. I look in the mirror each day and and am so blessed and thankful for my flawlessly even dark complexion. It took me a while to get here , but finally I can say that I don't want to be any one other than me. Well me with Oprah's money ...lol

~T'jai

I Wonder If He Knows

2007-08-02T18:19:00.000-07:00

OK, I guess I should have known that things with Ron would turn sour.
In a way I'm kind of glad...I'm not sure if I could have handled being in a long distance relationship.
Enough of the sad sappy stuff. I have made up my mind not to write anything dark or depressive tonight....Its my birthday and I figure that maybe I should lighten up a bit. I did something totally unlike me today. I gave a guy my phone number...lol. I am totally clueless when it comes to knowing wither a guy is flirting with me or not, but I took a chance...lol who knows?

Healing

I will not cry , no not tonight, my heart will have no part in this.
And my lips I will force them to forget the fire of your kiss.
I will scatter these memories to the winds, never again to find.
and intoxicate myself with happiness, As I erase you from my mind.

~T'jai

The Quiet Storm Within

2007-07-30T21:41:00.000-07:00

Alone in the darkness with only the sound of my beating heart and voice of India Aire to comfort me.
I am so tired of feeling so gloomy. I'm beginning to think that I may have a serious problem with depression. Everyone seems to lean on me. They look to me to cheer them up , make them smile.
They call on me for advice, They turn to me when they are in trouble or in need. And I give and give , because I'm a good friend and that's what good friends do...but what about me? I am so tired of painting on a smile hiding my own tears just so I don't trouble them with my sadness. I weep in silence. I bet they ( my friends and co -workers) don't even realize that I'm shy. They have no idea that I act silly and say funny things to distract them from seeing me for who I really am...
I am so ready to stop crying. I am ready to trust again....ready to smile again...I am ready for love.....

Disclosure

Standing all alone, swallowing my pride.
Stripped of all my innocence I've nothing left to hide.
Bearing heart in hand I stand here at your door.
Fleeing persecution, seeking comfort at your shore.
Burning with anticipation , this secret I must tell.
Knowing not the outcome of sharing my own hell.
Wanting desperately to find a shelter from the rain.
Seeking an elixir to soothe away my pain.
Searching but not finding these words I cannot speak.
Lost inside inside of darkness when truth is all I seek.
~T'jai

Ron,
I'm not sure if you will ever read my blog , but I want you to know that I really enjoyed talking with you. Its important that you know that I really stumbled and wrestled with my shyness tonight...I'm sorry if there were times that the conversation trailed off into silence...please do not think it was because I was bored. The truth is I was so caught up in the sound of your voice that at times I'd lose my train of thought. I can hardly wait till tomorrow....when we talk again...hopefully this time I will be more relaxed ...more confident....I'm smiling to myself now.... I know my voice is soft over the phone but I still can't believe that you thought I said that I was a prostitute...( lol, I really needed that laugh)
Till Tomorrow,
T'jai

Almost Dosen't Count

2007-07-28T02:28:00.000-07:00

As I was lying in the bed a song came on the radio that almost made me cry....Its a song that I haven't heard in years, Somehow it seemed to remind me of Parrish ...and of how hard it was for me to piece my life back together after our break up...the tears I now shed are not tears of sadness...but rather tears of accomplishment...tears of joy...I never thought I'd be able to heal the scars that relationship left upon my heart...But time does heal all wounds...even those that penetrate deep into the soul. Sheena Easton really captured my feelings ...Its like she is standing here in my bedroom finally giving voice to all the hurt and pain that I carried inside me for so very long...Tonight she is singing this song especially for me...." I'm almost over you."....I'm finally over you. :-)

To Walk Again

Though you turned away your ears so as not to hear my cries
I will not drown myself in sorrow's song lamenting your goodbyes.
I will not lose myself to fantasies I know will not come true.
No longer will I believe in this dream of me and you .
And though my heart rebels against me ,so painful this withdrawal,
the addiction of you, and the bruises from my fall.
The arrows I endured made poison by your voice.
Us fading into nothingness was my only given choice.
I sit starring in the mirror haunted by my gaze,
troubled by our parting, and the hurt my eyes displays.
Wondering where we went wrong. On bended knee I pray.
Questioning God why it is that nothing gold can stay?

~T'jai

Nothing Left To Say But Goodbye.....

2007-07-17T13:27:00.000-07:00

Poignantly Truthful

What to do when you're tired of trying
But your grasp will not break free..?
When words are spiked with bitterness.
When your eyes are blind and can not see.
When your tears start flowing
seemingly ceasing to ever end.
When travels leave you stranded
lost without a friend.
What to do when your soul is aching
Struggling to believe
that the one you gave your world to
caused your very heart to grieve.
Do you curse the day in silence
trapping all your hurts inside.
Do you run away seeking solace in
a dark damp place to hide?
I say hold your head in victory.
Invoke a strength they can not destroy.
And never again allow anyone to steal away your joy....

~T'jai

Love, Oh Love Stop Making A Fool Of Me.....

2007-07-13T20:17:00.001-07:00

The old me would be crying right now...calling up all my friends seeking comfort...
That was then...The new me still hurts but is wise enough to know that shedding tears will only bring on a headache...and everyone knows headaches and heartaches don't mix...
Leave it to an old friend to get on line unbeknownst to me and tempt my assumed love interest with that which he says no known top can resist .... Gee what a friend indeed:-(

The Fool

I took a chance with my fragile heart as I swallowed each and every lie
never imagining you'd deceive me now I'm left here questioning why?
I hang my head in sadness my inner most feelings have been betrayed.
I'm crying out to nothingness I'm lost inside this masquerade.
My Spirit will go on living and heal itself in time.
but the hurt will never vanish from this gentle heart of mine.
You pawned my dream so selfishly for some lustful strangers touch
Selling away my self esteem and wounding me so much.
But the thing that really tears me...that makes my hearts blood spill...
Is that I pleaded with you endlessly...to only keep it real.
~T'jai

Xxxx,
I was so happy that I decided to tell my older friend all about you .....
What I did not expect was this..... The person you were chatting with is a friend of mine...After they saw your pic and realized it was you ,they immediately emailed me this copy you the chat you had with them.

(This is an actual copy of the chat...I placed XXX in places to protect his identity)

XXXX: call me after 10pm
Kreemy: not sure where dat at yo...im new here ..so when can i call
XXXXX: XXXXX drive
Kreemy: so where yo boy at yo...I aint up for no drama shit...just want you to break me off
XXXX: yes i am i never turn down no good ass im XXXX 404-4XX-1XXX
Kreemy: man be serious no games here yo...iz you down or what?
XXXX: give me yours, and your name
Kreemy: when is good for u ? u got a number
XXXXX: time
Kreemy: tonight wassup?
XXXX: when
Kreemy: so can i get served?
XXXXX: serving up my dick
Kreemy: oh ...aiight then thats wassup....so what you get into?
XXXX: im dating
Kreemy: just trying to see whats up with you ...u single?
XXXXX: thanks so whats on your mind
Kreemy: sup im feeling your pics

The Beauty That Remains.....

2007-07-12T20:58:00.000-07:00

Love breaks your heart...Love takes the tears and the pain and turns it into the beauty that remains....
-Brian McKnight
Tonight I feel like crying but I wont...I'm tired of that ...Instead I will laugh ...I will laugh in spite of the all the drama today has brought my way. I 'm single, lonely......even horny...

El Fuego

Intensity unlike anything I've ever known
Singes my will and my inhibitions thrown.
Hopes like flames create a maze.
Smoke induced tears shadow my gaze.
Burning passion ignites like fire.
And I lie in ruins consumed with desire.

~T'jai

Go Deep

In silence I lie anticipating...
Your warm whispers tickles my ear
Iam readying myself for the offering.
I fight back fears and brace myself against the pain...
Such sweet sweet carnal pleasure.
Breathlessly I utter your name....all words and meanings are lost upon my trembling lips.
I need you ...Need to feel you ...
Angrily you enter, Sweat and tears cascade across my brow....
Iam transcended...
The storm swells and mounts again sending me spiraling.
Dimming my thoughts and commanding me until my will is that of your own...
Such power like I've never known before...
We ride the bliss together
We part panting. We suffocate in passion.
~T'jai

In Every Life Some Rain Must Fall....

2007-07-10T09:47:00.000-07:00

I didn't get much sleep last night ...I just couldn't seem to get control of the many thoughts racing through my head. My birthday is coming soon and it depresses the hell out of me. Here I am 34, unaccomplished, single, broke...lol. I could go on. It seems that life is just passing me by. I am so tired of feeling that I will never really find a place where I fit in...And as for the flaky guys here in Athens...I never thought I'd say this but, they make me wish that I were straight.....:-(

Why

Why allow myself to fall when I know theres nothing there?
Displaying my inner self when I know you couldn't care.
Why drive myself insane worrying with it all?
Wasting my life waiting when I know you will not call.
Why cry myself to sleep at night wondering where you are?
Pretending that we are so close when in truth we're spread so far.
Why tell myself tomorrows different, as I swallow one more lie?
Forcing myself to feel, Forcing myself to cry....Why?
~T'jai

Unapologetically Me

I've never been the hit and run type, storming for the door
I was always the one left holding on ,see my passion was hard core
I've so many scars and wounds which prove I'm no stranger to love.
I've lasted longer, I've become stronger way before push came to shove.
Dismissing me. Shunning me for my look, my talk, my sway...
But I've been proud , and I've survived through darker shades of grey.
No imitations featured, full of flaws, but yet I'm real.
Resilient through all onslaught...A spirit no label will ever kill.
My intellect outshines the ice you rock...
Cause I've never been ashamed to say
I am here.
Here I stand
Young, Black, Proud and Gay.
~T'jai

Of Trials and Of Tears

2007-07-09T21:20:00.000-07:00

I started today off with laughter and much anticipation...I can can hardly believe that this guy that I have been trying to get to know for months finally decided to text me . I am so beside my self with happiness...I'm not even sure I can or want to try to contain it. Mister 6'4. Dark and handsome....wow I am just jonesing off the fact that he finally acknowledged my existance. Im so deleriously drunk . There must be a million and one butterflies fluttering inside me...Boy you just don't know it ...But I am so feeling you :-)

My Wordless Reply

I close my eyes and there we are sitting in our favorite spot down near the pond.
We are naked of our fears and inhibitions.
Oblivious to all, our hearts continue in their conversations with one another.
I have never before allowed myself to feel for anyone the way I feel for you .
You speak, your warm deep voice breaks the spell that had begun to enchant us.
The words dance in echos as if you are so far away when in truth you are right there beside me.
You are asking me what I would say to the person for whom I'd been searching for my whole life.
Somehow your question stings me...I turn away to hide the tears welling behind my eyes...
You pull me close kissing each teardrop...wiping away years of disappointment.
I stare into your brown eyes and I wonder....I wonder if you heard my wordless reply.
~T'jai

Broken Arrows

2007-07-09T21:04:00.000-07:00

It has been quite some time since I have felt the urge to write, but tonight my heart is aching....and I'm not so sure that I know how to soothe it anymore. Its funny how you can pour your whole self into to something....someone ...so much so that you are left feeling empty and abandoned....that is how I am feeling now...

Pariah

I will shed one last tear here tonight, before I take to bed.
Closing eyes upon a world , and these voices in my head.
I will darken all these images of things I could never be
and loosen chains of doubt and shame their words have heaped on me.
I will shed this bitter tear tonight, before my final bow
Of years of waiting in the wings my moments upon me now.
I will leave this place in silence, I will hold my head so high.
The torment you brought to my life will be my peace as I die.
~ T'jai

A Cry For Help

2006-02-10T15:24:00.000-08:00

Self Destruct

I display my heart and the world it is my stage.
Imitating happiness to mask my bitter rage.
I hide here in dark places where simple minds cannot reach
Though their hatred torments and their tongues beseech.
My Hopes, they lie in ruins. My tears unknown to joy.
I walk away in silence…a frightened little boy.
Poisoned by each breath of life. A thirst that will never end.
I am out here alone on this road called life without one single friend.

~ T

My Air, My Heart, My Soul......

2006-02-04T08:01:00.000-08:00

Piotr,
There are no words to express all that you mean to me. You are a gift from God. Each day that I live I am blessed by the warmth of your smile. When you look at me you see past all of my faults and imperfections. I have finally found the one who completes me. With you I have serenity. With you my soul has peace. I Love You!!!

My Piotr

2006-02-04T05:46:00.000-08:00

Across the the bitter emptyness, beyond the torrent sea
there lies a heart filled with song which sings for only me.
His eyes are like sapphires painted by the sky,
and the joy I find inside them shall never ever die.
His laughter like soothing balm which calms my troubled soul;
before him there was lonliness, but with him I am whole.
There are no words I know, to express the love I feel inside.
He broke the chains that trapped me, and beside him I abide.
He wiped away the tear drops, Only wishing to give.
And I abandon all my fears, choosing once again to live.

~ T

Broken Mirrors

2006-02-02T22:11:00.000-08:00

I am sure there will be those that will wonder what I have to gain by posting my life here for all the world to see...it is not to gain any sympathies. I am far from an angel as you will discover as you read through my posts. I am writing because I feel it my purpose. I have many things to say some of which causes me great shame, but this is who I am . As I have said before maybe the very words that I have penned here will save a life, or at the very least change the course of one...

I am now remembring someone who still holds a place in my heart.
I learned a lot about love and forgiveness during my brief time with you Chipmunk.
I know now that God allows certain things to occur in our lives to make us stronger.
Be that the case then you and I are certainally gladiators, warriors in our own right.

August 1999

Parrish
I remember it as if it all only happened yesterday.I had just moved back home from Charleston, Sc .I grew lonely there after Amy had moved back to Ga.I settled into a room in my grandmother's old house.Bored out of my mind I decided to Get on Aol...Its funny how while in the Virtual online realm you find the courage to do and say things that you otherwise never would in real life. I went into a gay male chat room...I browsed a few profiles until I came upon one that caught my eye...Maybe it was the catchy screen name PRTnATL that intrigued me...In any case I decided to strike up a conversation with him. He told me that he was on leave from the Army...I shared a few things about myself and through the course of our conversation I learned that he was originally from New York, was 6'2 brown skinned with beautiful brown eyes...I was floored.He gave me his number but I didn't bother to write it down...I felt that this sexy brother was way out of my league. A week or so went by...I had all but forgotten about this handsome stranger until I answered my phone one afternoon and was surprised by the sound of his boyishly masculine voice.
We made plans and set a date to meet each other. I'm not sure why this is but for some reason I tend to get very nervous when faced with the prospect of meeting someone new. I put Parrish off for months...and probabally would have continued had he not been so adamant about wanting to meet me. I went through all the motions busying myself with making myself presentable...I lost weight, bought new outfits, had my teeth cleaned...the whole nine. I wanted to make an impression...hell who am I kidding? After the dry months I spent in South Carolina I needed something to jolt my batteries...I needed to get my feet wet.I wanted a boyfriend.
Two months later on November 10th, 1999 Parrish and I finally met.I don't think either of us knew how much that day would forever change the course of our lives.
My life with Parrish was a hard and rocky road. It was plagued with lies, cheating, emotional and physical abuse,So much so that it suprises me that the bothg of us lived through it. But as the old saying goes...love is blind..In my case Deaf too.Six months into our relationship I discovered pretty much by accident that Parrish was Poz. I immediately confronted him and much to my dismay learned that he had indeed hidden that fact from me. I had no time to be upset or angry, All I could think about was him and his health. Yes, I really loved My Husband ( we became Domestic Partners in January Of 2000) He needed help, We needed help. I called several places that afternoon against Parrish's wishes, The first was an Aids Counseling service. I had to literally fight him tooth and nail for days until he relented and finally agreed to go with me to seek help. I am greatful to Aids Atlanta because they got Parrish the treatment and Meds that he needed. They also got us some much needed counseling. I was tested millions of times after that and much to the praises of God I was negative.
I thought that Parrish and marriage would finally start to heal, but I was wrong. For a moment I had imagined that his status would bring us closer together. Make him cherish our love and committment to each other instead I began to feel that he had started to resent me. Everything was a competition between us. He grew angry because he could not find a decent Job and I made matters worse by nagging him to death. I knew he had cheated on me once and i just could not get past the hurt and suspicion. I eavesdropped on his conversations, I hacked his E mail accounts, checked his voice messages...I was delirious with fright. I'm not sure how many times I was sent to the Emergency Room following one of our spats. I could no longer count the holes my body made in the walls as he half through me through them. All of this happened and still I could not find the strength to walk away. Things began to unravel after Parrish lost his Job with Sprint...I don't think anyone has ever hit me as hard as he did that day. The force was enough to cause a small fracture in my skull and leave him with a broken hand....The end was indeed near.
We hardly talked after this. Parrish would leave home and go stay with his sister for a few days and I would cry and plead with him until he would come home.This happened so many times during our relationship that I lost count after episode 9. One of us had to be strong enough to walk away and stay away....That someone was Parrish. My Life changed drastically in September of 2000. Parrish had just had an outpatient surgery procedure. We had argued because he had wanted to stay at his Sisters to recover. I of course was not hearing any of this. I remember the day so vividly. I was getting dressed to go to work...he hugs me and tells me that when I get home we will talk and try once more to patch up our marriage. I was excited because it was the first time that we'd even discussed being intimate in months. At this point I still wanted my Husband ...I believed in our Marriage.
I returned home at 10pm that night to a cold and empty house. All the lights were off which I found wierd because if nothing else Parrish loved watching television. I went from room to room calling for him...No answer. I didn't panic...I walked next door to my aunt's to see if maybe Parrish was there. She said she had passed him walking earlier in the day while on her way to church. I stepped off her porch and headed to the park( we sometimes would walk there to clear our heads) It was dark and I could barely see.I called several times hoping against hope that he would answer...Nothing.It was then that I started to worry. I ran home thinking that maybe he'd be there...willing it in my mind that he'd be there. The house stood as I had left it cold, dark and empty. I went into our bedroom and sat on the bed, I looked around the rooms relaxing as I could see that his things were still there. I let out a sigh of relief. I went to the bathroom to start my bath ...that is when I noticed the white folded paper with my name in bold black letters lying atop the dresser. Shaking I forced my trembling hands to open it, the words stung my eyes. I felt that the tears would never stop. I cried so hard that I began throwing up.It felt as if someone had let the air out of my lungs. I picked up the phone and called the one place I knew he would be...His sister's house. He answered.
Once more I began to sing the song that had become all too familiar.."Parrish please, Please come home." "Why Parrish?" "Why?"I must have repeated this same phrase a thousand times before he agreed to meet me the next day somewhere neutral so we could talk.Needless to say I didn't sleep at all that night.
8am the next morning I got into our Kia Sephia and drove to My sister's house on the backroads. I did not have a driver's license. I could barely drive. I pleaded with my sister to drive me to Atlanta. My heart sunk as she said no. I didn't even wait to hear her reasons why...I needed to see Parrish. This was all I cared about. I made up my mind then and there that I'd risk my life and drive there myself. It was stupid of me. I should have just stayed at my sisters and called my brother or someone to come drive me home, but I was far from thinking clearly. It was a miracle of God's that I arrived in Atlanta without having an accident. I met Parrish at a strip mall walking distance from his sisters house. We talked for a while...we held hands. I really thought that we were once again putting everything back together. We decided that we would drive somewhere so we could talk. He didn't want to be in My home town and I didn't want to be in Atlanta...It was me who suggested Lake Oconee. We must have argued the whole distance there. The car was almost out of gas and neithe of us knew how to get to the lake so we stopped at a gas station right off I-20. My whole life fell apart here. Both of us were tired and angry. Fustrated Parrish attempted to get out of the car...Me being an idiot held on to him until he slapped me across the face. I grabbed aimlessly at his shirt trying to prevent him from leaving me....leaving us. He took off the shirt slapped me again yelling that he hated me and that he never wanted me out of his life and got out of the car slamming the door behind him. People at the gas station began starring at us. im not sure what occured in my mind during the few seconds I sat there watching him walk away. something like fury welled up inside me. I was ahamed, defeated....I was hurt. I don't even remember sliding over into the driver's seat or cranking up the car all I remember is seeing Parrish's body bouncing off the hood of the car. I remember the glass of the windshield being shattered. I remember stopping the car and running back to help Parrish. I remember calling 911 and being arrested.
God was with Parrish and me that day. Parrish only had superficial cuts thank God. He was stitched up and sent home after a few hours.I remained in Jail overnight not knowing if he was dead or alive. I was told many times that I had killed him. I was told several times that I had murdered him and that I would be going to prison for the rest of my life. I sat there in that cold jail cell praying for death. My eyes were swollen from tears.My life was over. Or so I thought.

We Can't Play This Game Any More, But Can We Still Be Friends?

2006-02-02T15:06:00.000-08:00

These poems that I wrote are about Rebirth, Cleansing , and Forgiveness.
They are in no way intended as a stab at the person(s) for whom they were written.

The Catcher And The Rai

Memories of broken dreams
Of faces cast in stone.
Of hurtful words flung like spears
Penetrating through the bone.
Unrelenting, unforgiving
life callously saunters by
Insolent animosity
caring not for tearful cry.
defeated yet defiant
the psycho babbles on
A phoenix up from ashes
I no longer play the pawn.

~ T

Silence

Unspoken words silenced by pride
storm my heart pleading woefully for voice.
I stand alone shrouded by my shame hidden here amongst these phrases.
Such the coward that I am, I have chosen darkness as my companion.
I'm wishing to remain unseen,
lest my feelings betray and unmask my tear streaked face.
Only wishing to say,
Wanting desperately to say,
Needing desperately to say that I am sorry
But like old memories I too have faded.
Like dust long ago swept away from the halls of your life,
I am of nothing.
I am but a specter before you that will once more diminish.
There are no lamp posts here to save me.
I have bared it all.
I stand before you naked awaiting your judgment.
I am wrong. I am Guilty. I am sorry.
A chant your ears will no longer allow you to hear.
In the aftermath I've realized that….
This was no way for me to treat a friend.

~ T

2006-02-02T14:48:00.000-08:00

The Thinker

2006-02-02T14:18:00.000-08:00

Me, Myself

Reflections....The beginning

2006-02-02T12:49:00.000-08:00

To know who I am you first must understand where I have been.

The following accounts are glimpses of things that I have experienced in my life. I've recorded them all to the best of my memory. I have neither changed, nor embellished anything. The people, places and events are all real. I'm not sure what it is that I hope to accomplish in writing this. Initially , it was to exorcise these ghosts and demons that haunt me. There are just so many words and phrases floating around inside my head. Maybe I'm trying to affirm my life; give it a meaning, some reason for being. Or, maybe its just to say that I was here, that I existed.

February 2nd 2006

I am calmed by the rain outside my window. I look up into the sky taking little notice of the of the noises that surrounds me. I sit here transfixed shifting my gaze once more to my screen ....I am wondering what to write...Searching for the words that best portray my thoughs. Today I find this very difficult. There is so much occurring in my life that I seek clarity of , and because of this I find it hard to concentrate. I imagine it would be best to just close my eyes and let the pains of my heart speak for themselves...Maybe just maybe my words will be of help to someone else.

I will start at the beginning.....

July 8th, 1980

Tony Wade

You fucking faggot if you tell anyone about this shit I'll kill yo punk ass. I was only eight when I was first traumatized by this taunt. To this day I don't quite understand why I was hurt as badly as I was by someone I trusted so much. I don't think he knew how badly he had scarred me. How I wish I could go back to that day and take that skinny nappy headed kid by the hand...walk him home and try...try to explain things to him. I'd say, Timmy, Please tell someone what he has done to you. Don't hold that inside you; its poison. But one can never really go back can they? Can they?

For weeks I could sense something odd about the way that Tony ,my next door neighbor, would look at me. At thirteen he was a honey brown skinned God, very good looking and very popular with the girls. He was the epitome of the word boyish... Very competitive. A born leader and every guy on my street looked up to him. I was only eight very skinny and quite shy. My mom was raising my brother, sisters and I alone in a very small overly crowded room in my grandmothers house .We didn't have much and as a result we were ostracized by the other kids on my street whose parents had money. Even my cousin Kenneth who lived next door looked upon us as unfavorable.

One Humid summer evening in June my life would forever be scared....Changed forever. It was during a game of hide and seek..I remember it all to vividly. My cousin Kenneth was it. It had just begun to get dark. My mom had called several times for me to come inside. It wasn't often that my cousin allowed me to play with them...So I didn't want the fun to end just yet. I was never any good at hiding, and I was tired of being it , ignoring her I searched frantically for a good spot. I looked around and then I spotted him. Tony was crouched behind some hedges that grew against the corner of his house. He looked up and saw me then motioned for me to follow him, I crawled underneath his house behind him and he put a finger to his mouth signaling me to be quiet. I could still hear Kenneth counting A 95 ,100... two boxes of washing power two bars of soap all ain't ready yell billy goat.Billy Goat ! ...I heard someone yell. Tony started going further beneath the house tugging at my shirt for me to follow. He gave me a look that told me to be still and quiet ..and I obeyed thinking that it was to keep us from being found. He said he had to take a piss...so he turned his back and pulled down navy blue shorts. He was wearing red and blue superman underwear. ..I crouched there in the cool dirt watching, not really knowing why. I suddenly felt nervous and uncomfortable. I could smell the warm muskiness of his urine. He turned quickly and faced me. I tried to turn my head and pretend that I had been looking in the other direction, but his eyes had caught mine. He walked over to me holding up his shirt with his shorts and underwear down around his nikes. You like that don't you? I wasn't really sure what he meant so I didn't say anything. I know you like it. I wanna show you something...look at this. He stroked himself , I watched in amazement as his privates grew to a larger size. He grabbed my hands... afraid... I tried to snatch them back. Touch it...go ahead touch it. He forced my hands on his un circumcised dick.. I felt so scared that I started to cry ...He told me not to and then started to pull his shorts back up. He told me he'd let me go if I promised not to tell anyone, and if I did he'd tell them that I had tried grabbed his dick while he was peeing. I wiped away my tears and nodded . He stepped aside and I started back towards the opening ...but before I could he grabbed me and pulled my shorts down forcing me down on my stomach. He told me to be quiet or he would beat me up . He started rubbing my butt. He spit on his hands and rubbed it between my cheeks. What I felt next was beyond any pain I'd experienced. It was like something hot and searing was tearing inside of me. He pushed with all his might forcing himself inside of me. It was all happening so fast I didn't really know what it was I was experiencing. He kept whispering how good I felt in my ear and how he had been wanting to fuck me for a long time. He told me that he loved being inside of me. The pain was so intense I started throwing up. The weight of his body pressed hard down on me I could barely catch my breath. I cried out and he put his hand over my mouth. I tried to yell for my cousin, but no one could hear my muffled cry. Outside I could hear my brother calling."Timmy you gonna get a whipping if you don't come on in the house." I could feel Tony's hot breath on the back of my neck as his angry thrusting quickened. He exhaled deeply. It seemed an eternity had passed before he finally rolled off me. I could feel something hot and sticky between my butt cheeks. Whatever it was it had a fishy odor the wetness had begun to running down my legs. He turned back towards the opening pulled up his clothes then said "You fucking faggot!"..."If you tell anybody about this I will kill yo punk ass." He didn't even look back. He peeked out of the opening checking to see if anyone was watching, then crawled from under the house leaving me there drowning in my pain. I could hold back my tears no longer. It was as if an emotional dam had burst. I couldn't understand what had just happened to me. I couldn't understand what I had done to make him hate me in such a way. I stood up as best I could , pulled my clothes back on and limped home. My mother was waiting there on the porch. I broke into tears as I tried to tell her what had happened but before the words could come I felt the barbs of the switch biting into the bare flesh of my arms and legs. Between screams I could taste the saltiness of my tears mixed with snot ... I thought I was going to die. I remember fixing my gaze on the streetlight at the top of my street. I went there in my mind. This wasn't happening to me. I was not being hurt like this...this was happening to someone else. Half lucid I could hear her promising me that there was more where that came from if I didn't hush. I stifled my cry long enough for her to tell me to go wash my self up. I barely made it to the bathroom in time before I threw up. My God I was only eight years old. The tears are stinging my eyes as I write this.
For weeks after that it was hard for me to sleep. I would pull the covers up over my head, (something I continue to do now as an adult) in fear that Tony would creep into my room and get me. To this day I have never told my Mother what happened. Tony continued to molest me well into my teen age years.