If Only I Could Learn To Smile:-)

Rainy Days & Castles Made Of Sand.....

So many times during my life Ive sought love.

I've gone to great lengths just to find that which I could cleave to and call my own.

I've journeyed so far outside of myself only to be left lost , cold and all alone.

I reflect on these tonight as I lie here in bed listening to the rain. I look around my room randomly surveying the assortment of things that I've managed to accumulate during my 37 years and tearfully I realize that it all amounts to nothing. I've spent so much of my life here trapped behind these walls living in fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being ridiculed , fear of wasting away. Time ebbs on , and soon another Birthday will have come and passed. This is not the way I imagined my life would be at 37. My hands roughened and chapped from having to work years before a child really should. My eyes have lost their lustre and become bloodshot with the look of someone who hasn't had a peaceful nights sleep in so so very long and . I hurt , I ache and my Soul....My Soul is very tired

Caressing My Wounded Inner Child

Too many times in my life I've been bombarded and overwhelmed with one hardship after another. I am so tired of picking myself up and dusting myself off only to be knocked down again. Ive begun to wonder whats it all for?

I ran into an old friend the other day and she asked me why I hardly ever visit Madison, My hometown anymore. I shrugged my shoulders in reply, but what I really wanted to say....what I really need to say was , Why would I visit a place that holds nothing for me but sad memories and pain.

Why would I want to visit a place where kids and adults alike tormented me all during my childhood because I didn't walk or talk the way they felt I should have.

Every time I am there in that town I am reminded of how different I am .

I always get a sense that I do not belong.

What was so abnormal about me?

How many times did I get assaulted with insults?I was called Sissy so much that I had begun to think it was my name. It was no fun being in school walking into a lunch room full of people and always sensing the cold stares and feeling the fingers pointing at you.

How I wish I could forget and the snickers...those awful snickers.

I think I will die with those awful sounds ringing in my ears.

I was alone then as a child as I am now as an adult.

I don't think they realize just how badly they fucked me up on the inside....

Of Butterflies & Bumble Bees

The Beginning

Inside it feels as if a million butterflies have taken to flight. I am so afraid to blink for fear that I will be awaken and find that it has all been nothing but a dream. Naked of my fears and inhibitions I stand atop Love’s paramount. I leap with the careless abandon that only peace of mind can bring . Though pain and injury are certain, the joy of loving someone is so well worth the risk…and its time that I started living.

Deep Thought

Our Arguement

Prarthana

You would think He'd know by now that my heart yearns for his...

But with so many empty miles and angry words between us...

The love has begun to perish,

And in this barren place where rage sparks and tempers now flare

We boldly dodge flames desperately trying to salvage what we can from the ashes.

We have turned our backs against wisdom and are blinded by our hopes to try again.

I wish that I knew what we were doing wrong.

I wish that we could just stop hurting one another.

Why is it that we keep holding on....?

My Love, you know the very scent of me , the ins and outs of me.

My Joys are your Joys.

Your Tears.

My Tears.

To wound me is to wound yourself

This is.....

What love is.......

~T'jai

I Cry To Myself.....

Eight:Thirteen

The blue skies and reveries which once pacified me have all begun to fade, and alone I stand in the rain trying once again to make sense out of all the ciaos. I wish Venus would relinquish the hold she has over my heart, but no matter how I struggle I cannot free myself from her ascetic grasp. She bewilders my mind with vignettes from the past. I am forever taunted, by Eros’s dissonant whispers of what I know can never be. Why is it so hard for me to just let go and get on with my life? How long will I have to nurse these wounds before they finally heal?

God knows that I have only truly loved one Man, everyone else have all just been immaterial, and the many horrors and hardships I have had to endure trying to fill this vortex he left inside my heart, I can’t even begin to fathom yet alone express in mere words. I’ve learned much to my dismay that though the tears shed over him no longer fall where eyes can see….I will forever weep a little on the inside.

~T'jai