The Possibility Of Us

Why couldn't I just tell you what I was feeling? I feel so stupid for allowing the silence to become so thick that it nearly choked the life from both of us. I should have told you how much I've been missing you . I should have told you that every few minutes I'd been checking my phone hoping that there would be a text message from you , or something to let me know that you'd been thinking about me too. I hid my feelings like a coward. I hid my feelings because I didn't want you to feel that this distance was too much for me to handle. I didn't want my emotions to cause you to feel pressured.....none of what happened during that akward phone call was my intent. Have I ruined things? Damn these insecurities! Damn them all to Hell!!!

Day One:

I decided that I should write down my feelings as a way to cope with you not being here. I never could have imagined that I’d be feeling this way so soon. I know that we discussed the complexities and hardships that we would face trying to maintain a long distance relationship…I just never thought the enormity of it all would come crashing down upon me so fast. It was so hard to watch you drive away last night. I tried so hard to stifle my tears, obviously I am not that strong. You warned me that this was only the beginning, and that things would only get harder. I would trade away all my possessions just to feel your arms around me right now. Your sweet kisses, your laughter they have all been reduced- even if only temporarily- to a few text messages and couple of impromptu phone calls. How will I ever get through this? I am truly missing you.  

When there's nothing left to say....

Me:)

The Tiny Pieces Of My Heart

The Importance Of Small Things

Sometimes all I need is to be held close and made to feel as if I mattered to someone a small bit.

To feel desired and wanted for who I am and not for what I can give.

Sometimes all I want is to feel the sun upon my skin and not feel the need to keep myself hidden away from the rest of the world.

To be strong…. To not feel weak and scared all of the time.

Sometimes all I need is to be loved, cherished by someone a tiny bit but sadly, truthfully...

I don't get that from anyone... not at all ...

not even a little bit.

©T’jai 2011

I Finally Get It.....

What A Fool Believes

Strong hands like yours make me desire

The wrought passion of your embrace

And lips mahogany like Gram’s plum wine

I have dreamt of how they'd taste

Deep like waters your eyes they quell

I lie motionless in your stare

And like waves I crest….

For soft caress,

but I'm dismayed to find nothing there.

Bedazzled by such imagery

Of the things I’d hoped you’d be

Now lost adrift in shallowness

I sail on faithfully.

The dream for me so bittersweet

But with time these pains shall pass

And I was truly feeling you My Brother

For much more than your____or your ____

©T’jai 2011

Stage Fright

I have allowed things from my past to hold me captive for far too long…Today I have decided that its time I freed myself. I just have to do a little editing of the people that I have allowed into my life. I have realized that sometimes people are only meant to play a small role in life’s grand production, do their strutting and fretting then quietly exit the stage. I am so tired of trying to do last minute rewrites, changing my scripted purpose in an effort to keep people around. I am so over that. I’ve had ample amounts of time to reflect this morning…time to strategize my plan. I don’t want to sound dire, but at this point I honestly believe its do or die. I’m anxious to be returning to school spring quarter maybe then I will actually start to feel that I’m making progress instead of dissolving here in this stagnancy. But until then I will go on painting on smiles, shrugging off my sorrows ….I will go on pretending that my heart is calloused, that these toils I endure have not gotten the better of me. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to go back in time, to remember the smell of honeysuckle blooming in spring, to leap and worry not if there’d be earth beneath me. I am mourning the death of my youth.

©T’jai 2011